The plains were grey and misty, the sun low in the morning sky, barely casting enough light for me to see by. It had been decades since I had made the journey and I had worried that I would lose my way, but there was some innate sense within me that kept pulling me in the right direction. Perhaps it was the blood in my veins or the small fraction of magic that I could wield. No matter the source, even at my most weary and distracted, I carried on my journey and found myself crossing familiar landmarks.

  I had missed the funeral and coronation, I was sure of that. I had set out with enough time to make both, but my withering body simply couldn’t ride for as long as I assumed. In my mind’s eye I still saw myself as the young, spry woman who chased my young daughter around the castle gardens. In reality, I found it difficult to rise from my bed in the morning and it had become a necessity to sit and catch my breath during even the most simple of tasks.

  Ever since ridding myself of my third child, I could feel the magic always pushing against me as punishment for my insolence. It ravaged against my weak defenses, wanting to destroy me for my rebellion. I had been able to keep it at bay just barely after the birth of my son, but after my refusal to bear another daughter, I was losing ground against it every day.

  My horse slowed, sensing the crackle of magical potential in the air. It threw its head side to side and stamped its hooves in protest as I urged it towards the portal stone. The closer we came, the more I worried that I would fall from the saddle in my weakened state. I painfully dismounted and walked the last dozen meters to return to my birthplace. I hoped the portal would still work for me, I knew there was a chance my mother would have found a way to seal it from me after hearing about bearing a male heir.

  Keeping hold of the reins, I tentatively leaned forward and placed my hand on the surface of the stone. Much to my relief, I felt the power flow through me and the world around me began to swirl. Nauseous, finally the swirling ended and the castle on the mountain stood before me.

  Despite its cold and macabre appearance, the castle still took my breath away. My eyes swept over the foreboding towers and terrifying gargoyles and wondered if anything had changed or if my memories had simply faded. It all felt familiar, yet it felt different, like I had only ever seen the castle before in a dream.

  The rocky landscape leading up to the castle gates was as unfinished and uninviting as ever, like a final dare to approach at your own peril. The path was steep with tight, winding corners and large boulders that would barely leave enough space for the horse to pass. There would be no place safe enough to dismount and rest if I needed. Once I committed to reaching the gates, I would have to tough it out. It would be a painful challenge for me to make it to the top, but I was determined. I needed to be here and I needed to see her.

  Swinging back up onto my horse, I let out a small cry of pain and gripped my torso. My womb had never recovered and my condition had become much the talk of the castle. I had done my best to downplay the searing pain, but sometimes it would rise to such a point as to where I lost my senses and would cry out. There were many murmurs that I would not survive another season and I worried that they were correct, all the more reason to travel to make amends with my past and my only daughter.

  For a long, grueling day, I urged my horse up the mountain, clutching to his neck at times to keep myself steady and in the saddle. My heart would sink every time a rock was dislodged and it tumbled down the side, the jerking motion of being startled stabbing indescribable pain through my abdomen. I found myself sobbing from the pain and slow progress, yet I could not turn back. With what felt like the last of my strength and determination, I reached the summit after nearly six torturous hours.

  Riding up to the castle gates, I could feel the hum of magical power emanating from within its walls. Never before had I realized how much I had missed the constant current of magical energy, the ebb and flow of the tide temporarily giving me a bit of respite from the pain. Perhaps even the magic that punished me felt pleased that I had finally returned.

  Before I could draw in a breath to announce myself and request entry, the gates swung open, revealing a narrow-eyed Mari. She had not changed a bit from the image I held of her from the last time I saw her as she dragged my daughter away. Her long, sleek, black hair was drawn back into a single, thick braid and little more than black silk ribbons entwined her body to cover the essential areas. The look on her angular face said that I was both welcome and unwelcome and I could not blame her indecision. There was a large part of me that felt that coming here had been a foolish mistake, that I no longer belonged.

  “You missed everything,” she said curtly, “by quite a wide margin.”

  “I travel slowly,” I tiredly explained, “it has been a long while. I am not as young and able as I once was.”

  “Indeed,” she sniffed disdainfully. “I suppose I shouldn't expect someone like you to be able to do something as simple as make your own mother’s funeral on time.”

  With a sigh, I carefully dismounted, sucking in breath to prevent myself from giving away my inner battle. “Mari, people make choices in good faith that they later regret. I thought I left with enough time to make it, but I was mistaken.”

  Mari raised her eyebrow and cocked her head slightly to the side. “Do you regret bearing that child? Or is this merely the desperate desire of someone nearing death to find forgiveness.”

  My eyes widened and I looked away. “That is far in the past and I have made my peace with the consequences.”

  “Have you now?” Mari scoffed. “The magical tempest within you would be obvious to even the least talented, you are losing the fight.”

  “Yes, I know,” I snapped, then took a deep breath to steady my emotions. “I am well aware that I will not be able to maintain my defenses for much longer.”

  “So is this just a desperate attempt at forgiveness or do you truly regret your betrayal?” she pushed.

  I was silent for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts together. I had foolishly assumed that I would make an appearance, say some sort of goodbye to my mother and maybe have time with Toria. My crumbling mind hadn’t allowed myself to remember that the castle was, and likely always would be, a nest of vipers.

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  “Speak,” she demanded, drawing her magic and voice up to seem more opposing.

  “I simply want to pay my respects and spend time with my daughter,” I sighed painfully.

  “Had you cared about her, you would have put your foot down about this long ago,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “Don't act like you have been powerless this whole time. Though you may not be a sorceress, you are still a Yser.”

  I had no illusions that I was ever going to satisfy Mari with any reply I could give. Whatever bridges that had existed between us had been burned long ago.

  “May I please see my daughter?” I asked.

  “How do you know that she will even want to see you?”

  “I at least want to have the opportunity,” I replied, trying very hard to keep the hurt from my voice. “I have travelled all this way.”

  “She is away at the moment, but if you insist on staying to see if she will be willing to see you, then follow me.”

  I followed Mari through the familiar courtyard and hallways, they seemed to have been frozen in time. If not for the different faces of the servants we passed, I would assume that I had never left. Seeing the inside of the castle again was a mixture of anxiety and nostalgia. A part of me pained knowing that we would not walk into the great hall to see my mother upon the throne. Had I really never taken the time to even visit my own mother? Surely she could have summoned me and I would have come, but perhaps she had never missed me. In truth, I had only ever felt relief to be out of her clutches.

  “You may wait here if you'd like,” Mari said flatly, motioning to one of the chairs in the great hall meant for petitioners or others looking for a moment of the ruler's time.

  It was obvious that she had neglected to offer me a seat on the comfortable seating intended for family and distinguished guests. I was no longer considered an official family member, at least in nothing more than name.

  Mari left me alone in the hall without so much as a goodbye. She was legendary for her ability to hold grudges, it seemed that not much had changed in that regard. I didn't know if I agreed with her or not, as of late it had become harder and harder to justify where my life had ended up.

  Time ticked on with no sign of Toria. Would I even recognize her? In my dreams she was still a little girl running around the castle hallways barely able to contain the energy within her. I missed hearing her trilling laugh echoing off of the stone and filling the building with boundless life. Florian had been much the same as soon as he started toddling, but the sound of his laughter had always sent pangs through my heart, awakening again the longing for my first born.

  I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but it had felt like at least a quarter of a day before the door to the great room opened once more. A grown version of Toria stood in the doorway, wearing a skimpy ruby gown that reeked of Evonia's influence. Her dark chestnut eyes fell upon me and there was a glint of some emotion that her face refused to show. Her hair seemed to have remained uncut since I had last seen her, hanging to just below her waist, pin-straight and dark ebony. She was even more beautiful as a woman than I had imagined. My heart hurt to look at what she had become without me.

  “Rela,” she said in greeting, emphasizing the fact that she was using my name.

  “Toria, you've grown,” I managed to croak out.

  “It has been years,” she replied.

  With a sinuous swing of her hips she turned towards the silver throne, she made her way to the seat, revealing an equally beautiful woman behind her. The other woman seemed to be holding in a giggle behind her crimson lips, like she found the situation amusing. Much to my surprise, she took a seat next to Toria in the chair traditionally reserved for kings or consorts.

  “I'm assuming you haven't come all this way for nothing,” Toria said with boredom in her voice, “what do you want?”

  Her tone really hurt. I hadn't expected her to be over-the-moon excited to see me, but any hint that she had missed me would have been nice. I would hate to think that I had suffered on the road for so long to make amends only to find out that she didn't have any interest in it.

  “I don't want anything other than to see you,” I pleaded. “I have missed you.”

  “Have you? The real question is: have I missed you?” she countered.

  “I would hope so, at least a little.”

  The left side of her mouth cracked a small smile and she tilted her head to the side. “Why?” she questioned. “Why would I? You betrayed me and your family. You know what you've done cannot be easily forgiven, let alone forgotten.”

  “It was ten years ago-”

  “So?” she snapped. “The amount of time that has passed makes no difference to me. You have another motive for being here, a selfish one.”

  I stayed silent, she was right and I had nothing to retort with.

  “I think even the weakest of magic users could see that you're losing a war,” she stood and marched over to me. “I could help save you, you know. Perhaps an infusion of magical energy could help turn the tide for you once more.”

  I could feel my eyes widen at the possibility. My motivation for making the trip hadn't been to grovel for forgiveness, but if I could live, I certainly would take that as well.

  “The problem with that is: do I really want to do that after your betrayal?” she queried, a glint in her eye.

  I could almost smell Evonia's and Mari's influence on her. She was enjoying my suffering. Surely my influence on her younger years had to grow at least a little empathy and love within her. It pained me to think that she might truly feel nothing towards me.

  “Well?” she pressed, as if expecting an answer.

  “You're my child-”

  “Again, you say that like it should hold weight against me,” she snarled. “You forfeit the right to use that against me the day you decided to bear a male heir and unseat my position.”

  “Are you truly still hurt over that?” I asked.

  Immediately, I could tell that it was a mistake. Her face clouded over with anger and I could feel the magical power rise within her. In my current state she could strike me down with me unable to do little about it.

  “I had an entire kingdom waiting for me, a whole brilliant future,” she spat out. “You took that from me. You chose to bear an usurper who would take my place and you did so knowing what would happen. Why?”

  Her posture had straightened much more, her face a mask of fury. Had I really been so naive to think that time would have smoothed over her rage?

  “I wanted the king to be happy,” I managed to stammer out, “he wanted a male heir so desperately. He hounded me night and day about it and would not stop until I gave it to him. I thought you would understand that it is the way of things.”

  Toria laughed airily through her nose and sniffed in disgust. “A man's desire? That is your reason? No wonder Evonia would not allow you to be her heir, this place would probably be run by a know-it-all man right now while you sniveled at his feet.”

  “I loved him,” I pleaded. “I did what I could for him out of love and devotion.” Surely love had to be a concept she understood.

  “And thus your love for him was greater than for me?”

  My breath caught in my throat and I felt my face go sickly pale. I was backed into a corner that I didn't know how to get out of. I must have loved him more at the time to be willing to upset her status as heir. Yet, it was more nuanced than that. There was so much pressure to provide a male heir. Not only from the king, but from the society we lived in. They would have always looked at me and felt sorry that I was lesser, that I could not provide what was seen as my duty.

  I found myself unable to respond. I had no idea how to even begin to explain the complex and impossible situation I found myself in.

  “That's what I thought,” she said, voice full of disgust. “I don't know what's worse, the fact you didn't realize it yourself before or the fact that you can't bring yourself to say the truth aloud.”

  Tears streamed down my face as I realized that she wasn't in the mood to save nor forgive me. The bridge to our reconciliation hadn't been burned, it had never existed in the first place.

  “You made your choice when you bore a son,” she said dully, like the conversation suddenly bored her. “We have nothing else to discuss. You may stay here a night if you wish, but you must leave tomorrow.”

  My eyes darkened as I felt her raised power recede, a poignant sign that I was no longer worth her time. I knew in my heart that this was it, I would leave, but I would not survive the trip home.