I wasn’t sure what I expected. I knew that my daughter had been in the clutches of my family and likely had poison dripped into her ears for years, yet foolishly I had held out hope that some love for me had remained in her heart. My mother’s influence was simply too powerful, I should have seen it coming and making the journey back was always going to be a fool’s errand. I shouldn’t have made the journey, but I needed to for my own sake. I couldn’t leave this world not knowing if reconciliation would have been possible.

  I loved Toria more than she could ever imagine, but she just could not understand that I could not bring myself to ever regret having my son. Yes, it had de-throned her and changed the course of her life, but I just could not regret bringing him into this world. He brought me just as much joy as she had and that was not something I could lament or force myself to regret. The circumstances around his birth were unfortunate and in some ways appalling, but he could never be a mistake in my eyes.

  Unfortunately, my daughter could not understand my reasons and find it in her heart to forgive me. Perhaps she was too far poisoned to be able to ever understand why I had done everything I had and I just had to accept that, no matter how much it hurt. I could only hope that eventually she would think back to me and find love again, not just the spite she currently felt. It felt like it might be too much to ask for, but I would hope that time, and the perspective it brings, might eventually sway her heart.

  Tears blurred my vision and grief tore at my heart. I could barely muster up enough strength to point the horse in the direction towards the path down the mountain to the portal stone so that I could leave as soon as possible. I knew I could not bear to keep fighting against the magic trying to rip me apart from the inside for much longer and I did not want to give up the fight while I was still within this hellish realm. This place never wanted me to be a part of it and I could not fathom the thought of my bones laying to rest where I was never wanted.

  The way down the mountain was even worse than the way up and several times I had considered just giving up despite my disgust at the idea of remaining here. Stubbornly, I fought against the pain and fatigue and kept myself in the saddle, wrapping my hands around both the mane of my horse and the reins to ensure I stayed on his back even if I felt faint. Against the odds, after many hours the path leveled off and I was just meters away from the portal stone.

  Perhaps having pity on me or maybe just ready to be out of this terrifying realm, my horse fought against its fear of the latent, pulsing magic of the stone and drew near enough so that I could lay down across its neck and just reach to place my fingers on the surface. I felt I might pass out as we passed back through to the world I called home, but I held on through my fluttering eyelids. Relief washed over me as the constant background magic faded into nothingness. I could relax knowing I had at least made it out and never to return.

  It was already sunset across the empty field and my body ached, the pain in my abdomen clawing fiercely, but I could not stop for the night just yet. I needed for my own piece of mind to put as much distance between me and the stone for as long as I could stand to ride. I did not believe that anyone would come to try to drag me back, but the fear was there anyway. The further I could get, the more at peace I would be when the inevitable came.

  I rode into the chilly night, until I had made it across the plains and into the first scattered expanse of trees that eventually turned into a small strip of forest before the farmer’s fields. I did not bother to make a fire, I both would not need it and no longer had the strength to gather the necessary supplies. Before preparing to rest, my hand hesitated with the reins of my horse just before I tied it to the tree for the night. I had almost gone through the motions of securing it, but that would defeat the purpose of the letters I had written and tucked into the bag tied to the saddle.

  Sadness and defeat poured through my veins as I dropped the reins and painfully settled back against the tree, facing the direction of what would be the rising sun. The horse clopped away to rest somewhere and eventually would wander back home to the castle and deliver my messages. At least no one would have to wonder what happened to me.

  While I waited for the night to pass, I could think of nothing else but the love I still carried for both of my children. There was nothing else I wanted to ruminate on, I wanted only to fondly reminisce about all the parts of my life that had made it worth living. I barred from my mind the image of the beautiful, but frigid woman my daughter had grown into and instead ran through my memories of her as a little girl.

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  I could vividly remember the day of her birth and how much in love I had been with her instantly. I remembered her first steps and first words. My excitement from hearing her say “mama” for the first time had made my heart feel like it would explode with joy. I could still vividly see her laughing and running around the gardens, her long, silky hair fluttering out behind her as she chased fluttering summer bugs in the breeze. I could feel the warmth of her forehead on my lips as I kissed her goodnight after she had gently fallen asleep after I had sung to her lullabies or read to her from her library of favorite books.

  Then there was Florin, my little boy who giggled at everything and found joy in all the little everyday things. His birth had been agonizing but first feeling him being placed in my arms had made everything I had gone through and would go through worth it. His face had been angelic and knowing that he would not exist without my rebellion had made my heart ache from the idea. His eyes and hair were dark like Toria’s, but his eyes held such a deep warmth. Even in my darkest of times, I could look in them and see the bright soul within and feel my sorrows melt away into my love for him.

  He had grown up less attached to my hip than Toria had been at the same young age thanks to my constant illness, but I loved him no less. Even though I ended up sometimes having to watch from afar, he never wanted for attention. There were always people more than happy to give the little prince everything he desired and he always seemed content. He still ran to me first when I entered the room and buried his face in my dress when he needed comfort. I had worked hard to try to instill in him the values I thought would serve him best. He always listened closely to me and wanted to please me, so I had hoped that my words would stay with him and guide him as he came of age.

  I knew he would always be surrounded by people who would make sure he would become a fine young man. The kingdom was determined to keep him safe as the heir and would stop at nothing to make sure that he stayed safe and well. Most importantly, my family would never want to take him in and spoil his kind soul. He would be safe from them and he would never find Mari darkening his door.

  One day I knew he would be a beloved king who was kind and generous. He would not be rageful and brooding like his father or cold and venomous like the Yser bloodline. Within him was the potential to be greater than the sum of his blood and I had faith in the goodness I saw in him. I had always seen the dark potential in Toria, as much as I loved her, but in him I did not sense the dark shadows lurking.

  Tears flowed down my cheeks as the sun crested the distant horizon and the first rays of warmth fell over me. They manifested from not only the pain digging ever deeper into my body and the sadness I had that this was the end, but also the love and joy I had experienced. My life had not started with happiness and love, but I had managed to find it on my own in my children. Though things had not worked out how I had planned or imagined.

  I doubled over and clenched at my sides as the magic inside me tried to rend through me. It was like fire in my veins and it radiated from beyond the pit in my abdomen and was quickly winning the fight to spread through my entire body. Though I knew the end was near, I was not yet ready to give in. It would have its time and it would win, but only when I had done all I had set out to do.

  Once the sun rose high enough to give me enough light to see by, I drew the small dagger I kept tucked into the waist of my dress and turned myself around to face the tree and began to carve. With shaking hands I deeply wrote into the tree: “Toria and Florin, I love you forever.” I dropped the dagger and took in writing, wondering if someone would ever come across it and see the memorial I had left behind. I hoped someone would and word would get back to either of them that their mother’s last thoughts were of them.

  Finished with everything I had wanted to do, I laid back on the ground and stared up to the sky through the branches above me. The sound of the morning birds was calming in my ears and despite the searing pain and the cold ground, it felt like a good place to accept the end. I had always imagined that at the end of my life I would be in some sick room in the dank part of a castle with nothing but stuffy air and the sound of the servants milling around. It had felt like it would end up being a depressing scene, but here the forest was calm and peaceful.

  I was where I was meant to be, not in the clutches of my family, nor back where I had responsibilities and people expecting certain things of me. Here, I would just be another body returning to the soil beneath me. Titles and bloodline meant nothing anymore and would no longer weigh me down. In these final moments I was not a Yser or a queen, I was just Rela. I was that little girl that looked out the window and longed to see a world that loved and accepted me. Then, I was that young woman scared as she left to get married. Finally, I was the middle aged woman who had many regrets, but just as many joys.

  Just as the sky lightened from deep blue to brilliant azure, my eyes clouded over and the pain within me came to a crescendo and then began to fade. It had not been a perfect life, but I felt at peace.