The morning for the fresh couple was bright and more than pleasant.

  Maya could barely contain her smile as she lay nestled against her girlfriend. Val’s hand traced absentmindedly over Maya’s thigh—a hand worn with battle-hardened scars and calluses, yet possessing a soft, surprisingly tender touch for only one particular person in her life.

  The cool touch against Maya’s skin, even beneath the warmth of the blanket, sent a pleasant shiver through her, rousing the mortal woman from her sleep.

  Sensing her stir, the Valkyrie wasted no time shifting her hand, sliding it from Maya’s thigh to the soft curve of her belly before flipping her over in one swift motion.

  Maya giggled as she found herself pulled into a tight embrace, limbs tangling together as Val’s steady arms around her. One cradled the small of her back, the other resting on the back of her head with fingers brushing against the bonnet that protected her coils.

  Then, as if nothing had happened, Val nestled her face into the crook of Maya’s neck and promptly fell back asleep.

  “Val, stop,” Maya chuckled, cupping the Valkyrie’s sleepy face in her hands. “We have plans today. We can’t sleep in—”

  Val hummed in protest, tightening her grip and burying her face even deeper against Maya’s chest.

  Maya flushed, torn between amusement and surrender. “You are impossible,” she muttered, running her fingers through Val’s golden hair.

  For a while, they simply lay there, wrapped up in each other, enjoying the quaint moment. But eventually, the call of responsibility for the way won out, and they dragged themselves from the comfort of the sheets, had breakfast—or rather, brunch—and got dressed.

  That’s when Maya ran into the first problem of the day.

  “Val,” she said carefully with a look of suspicion. “Did you steal my bra?”

  Val, midway through pulling her sweater over her head, paused. She blinked starry eyed at Maya, tilting her head in confusion.

  “Guess not,” Maya grumbled, tugging on her own sweater with a sigh. She shot a look of mild exasperation at her chest. “I swear, they keep vanishing. No idea where they are going, but I guess I’ll have to manage today.”

  Val approached from behind, rested her chin on Maya’s shoulder and wrapped her arms around her middle, lifting some of the weight from Maya’s shoulders with ease.

  Maya laughed. “I appreciate the thought, but you can’t be my support for the whole day. Now come on. We’ve got work to do.”

  Even when they were fresh together and had a lot of things to discover as a couple, they couldn’t ignore what they had to do. Many of Val’s lost Valkyrie equipment remained lost.

  Without them—her cape, boots, axe, helmet and more—her strength and divinity would never fully return. Each piece held immense power, leaving her vulnerable and others with the opportunity to grow dangerously strong.

  Thankfully, they had tracked down one recently, but retrieving it proved to be a challenge. The homeowner was as alert as a guard dog, and this was already Val’s third attempt after two spectacular failures.

  “I’m telling you, lady, I ain’t buying anything.”

  “Ma’am, you’re misunderstanding,” Maya said, plastering on the most patient but desperate smile she could master. “If you would just listen to me—”

  “I have been listening to you for the past fifteen minutes!” the woman cried, madly waving her hands in exasperation. “I don't even understand what you want!”

  Maya played the role of an overly persistent university student to perfection—clueless about deadliness, desperate for survey participants, and armed with a clipboard full of fabricated nonsense.

  I feel like I am reliving my first year, she thought dryly, sneaking glances past the woman’s shoulder at the fenced-off garden.

  Val was inside, attempting—once again—to retrieve the stolen relic without setting off any tripwires. The first time, a house alarmed had nearly deafened them both, and Maya had barely saved Val by throwing herself into an impromptu debate about politics and the weather.

  The second time, Val had been electrocuted by an electric fence. Maya still remembered the undignified yowling that followed or the scent of burned skin.

  Please, don't let there be a giant dog fighting Val this time.

  “Hey, hey, girlie.” The woman snapped her boney fingers in Maya’s face, dragging her attention away from the garden. “Where are you looking at—”

  “Don't!” Maya blurted, grabbing the woman's face and yanking it back toward her. “I still have questions!”

  The woman slapped Maya's hands away with a glare. “You still haven’t answered my question. Do I get paid or not for helping you in your little… dessert-something?”

  “Of course, you’ll get paid,” Maya lied through her teeth. Under her breath, she mumbled, “...in interest, after the university approved the tests, the bureau signs off, the faculty reviews it, and after the regional administration processes the paperwork to—”

  “What does this even mean!?” the woman shouted in frustration. Spittle flew at Maya’s face and blew back her coils.

  Thank the genes for Maya’s resilient hair.

  Before Maya could stall further, a deafening explosion rocked the garden.

  Leaves and dust scattered in the air. Windows shattered and cars blared. Scattered earth and mud rained down on them as Maya covered her ringing ears.

  She dreaded what had just happened as she saw something escape into the sky. Orange-white feathers swirled down in its wake with Val nowhere in sight.

  “A landmine!?”

  Maya exclaimed as she plucked a shrapnel piece from Val's shoulder with a pair of tweezers.

  The Valkyrie flinched but said nothing. Her sweater was half-shredded to pieces, and still smoking from the blast. Soot smeared across her face and tangled hair. Her leggings were riddled with holes, another proof of her spectacular failure.

  “Woman. Is. Crazy!” Val spat in a rare moment of consternation, rubbing her shoulder that was barely healing.

  “You’re telling me?” Maya huffed in disbelief, wrapping the shoulder in gauze. “How did she even get her hands on a landmine?! At least the police arrested her. I've never run faster.”

  “I. Never. Flew. Faster.”

  “I saw that,” Maya laughed, turning Val's face toward her and planting a kiss against her bleeding lips. “Let's resume operations later.”

  Before she could pull away, Val’s arm looped around her neck. “How about. Much later?” she murmured, flashing a tired grin before effortlessly sweeping Maya off her feet.

  Maya yelped, her protess dissolving into laughter.

  ‘Later’ though turned to many days later.

  The police had their hands full dismantling the countless other deadly contraptions that were hidden in the garden. Val’s senses told her the artifact was still there and untouched by all the work.

  They stood before the garden gate; yellow barricade tape covering the entrance, baring their entry.

  Maya swallowed her nerves. “Shall we?”

  Val exhaled sharply, rubbing the lingering ache in her shoulder. “I should go. Alone.”

  Maya arched a brow and crossed her arms. “You do realise you’re the one who’s set off every trap so far, right?

  A muscle twitched in Val’s jaw, and she averted her gaze.

  “Thought so. You fall for booby traps so easily.” Maya smirked and stepped inside before Val could protest.

  They quickly discovered the place was a wreck.

  Maya’s first instinct was to blame the police, but there was something off about it. The grass was overgrown wildly and the greenhouse was left to rot.

  Sure, they could have blamed it on the landmine, but bulging vines overtook the facade of the house, and there was an earthly, birch-like smell all around them.

  Maya covered her nose on the pungent smell and found herself face to face with a face. A stone statue of a giant gnome with a tall cone-shaped hat that loomed over the ruined garden like an off-putting guardian.

  Speaking of gnomes.

  They were everywhere.

  Ugly little abominations lurked in every corner, peering out from the bushes, crammed onto shelves, and perched on fences. But these weren’t the usual jolly, rosy-cheeked variety. No, these were the chaotic-evil type of decorations.

  Some wore old WW2 uniforms, others were half-naked, leather-clad, or sported sunglasses like greaser punks. One had a hockey mask, eerily resembling Jason from Friday the 13th.

  “I. Hate. Gnomes,” Val grumbled, voice dripping with genuine disgust.

  “I wholeheartedly agree.”

  Maya approached a wooden cabinet near a chopped, dead tree trunk and tapped on the glass. She brushed away the moss that obscured the display. Inside, bound in golden chains and carved with runes, was a single red garden gnome.

  Maya felt a shudder run down her spine. “Please tell me we’re not looking for a—”

  “No!” Val cried out before Maya could finish her foolish thoughts. “The artifact. It’s. Here… but I don’t know. What it. Is.”

  “So we’re just gonna start pointing at random junk and hope for the best?” Maya said, doing just that as she carefully stepped along the overgrown path. “Could it be that tattered tablecloth for your cape? That axe embedded in the wall? Or those old sheriff’s boots being used as a plant pot?”

  “Boots?” An uncharacteristic spark flashed in Val's eyes. Her head turned to the pair of boots and scooped them up, dumping the soil from inside with a shake. A frown pulled at her lips “Why would someone. Do this?”

  This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

  Maya watched as Val rinsed the old tablecloth in the pond and dusted the boots off with quiet reverence.

  “Val.” Maya gave her a perplexed look. “Are those actually your artifacts or are you just really into shoes?”

  The teasing died in her throat when Val didn’t answer right away. Instead, a rare melancholy settled over her features.

  “Pa did.” Her voice was soft. “It was the only. Way. To spend time. With him.”

  Maya’s stomach twisted.

  She hadn't heard much about Val's family yet. Details surfaced slowly, unsteadily, like they were fragile parts of her past.

  Maya looked down at Val’s feet, at the bright orange sneakers she wore. Despite everything—fights, training, reckless antics—they were spotless. Almost brand-new with barely a scratch on them or the wing-shaped imprint along the side.

  “Should we take them with us?” Maya asked. “No one will notice if they go missing.”

  Val gave a quiet nod. She carefully placed the boots into a bag Maya pulled from a nearby shelf. Instant relief washed over Val.

  “Alright.” Maya dusted off her hands, and rested them as fists on her hips. “Now, any ideas on what the artifact actually is?”

  Val's scanned the eerie garden. Her braid swung with the motion of her head. “No. Idea.”

  Maya sighed tiredly. “Perhaps we should ask the gnomes?”

  “Ask us?”

  A voice echoed through the garden.

  Maya’s heart stopped.

  Val’s bracelet, releasing her shield into existence and positon Maya behind her as she covered the scene. Her eyes darted around, searching for the source.

  “Ask us.”

  “Ask us?”

  “Ask. Us!”

  The voices didn’t come from one single direction. They were everywhere. It was the entire garden speaking to them like it was suddenly encased in a different world.

  Maya followed the sound to a single garden gnome, inexplicably standing on the table.

  “We know what you're looking for,” the gnome said; Its lips never moved.

  First came laughter.

  Then, came a song.

  “Gnomes of Midgard, they are we.

  With a. Ho ho! And ha ha!.

  Fiddle-Dee-Dee!”

  More gnomes popped out of nowhere. Some crawled right out from underneath the soil. Others peeked between leaves, scuttled from beneath tables, or burst through walls. They climbed from tree bark and leapt from rooftops.

  Maya’s blood ran cold they surrounded them.

  And then, the giant gnome moved.

  “We live in this world of men—”

  “And bring terror to men!”

  “Ho ho! Ha ha!”

  “No Vanir. No Aesir. Stand tall before our endless might.”

  With terrifying speed, the stone gnome swung its massive fist. Val barely raised her shield to block it in time as it smashed against the surface. The impact sent a shockwave through the air, shoving Maya back against the cabinet.

  “Maya—!” Val was quickly swarmed by the gnomes. She bashed with her shield, struck them with her fist, but they clung to her like ants, dragging her to the ground.

  “We are bored.”

  “Bored, so bored.”

  “We like you to keep around.”

  “Join and sing with us!”

  “Sing now. Fiddle-Dee-Dee!”

  Maya pressed herself against the shelf as gnomes closed in on her. Val couldn’t protect her. She could barely protect herself as the little abominations wrestled her to the ground.

  A naked gnome reached out its hand to Maya. “Would you like to sing with us?”

  Maya shrieked.

  And now, there was a voice.

  “Release me,” it whispered.

  Maya’s head snapped toward the chained gnome inside the cabinet.

  “Release me, mortal.” A deep voice reverberated from the chained gnome. “And I will fight for you.”

  One of the gnomes scoffed, “Sebastian talks.”

  “He’s boring.”

  “Yes, we sealed him away.”

  They turned back to Maya. “Come back and sing with us.”

  “Yes, sing with us. Ho ho!”

  “Ha ha!”

  “Fiddle-Dee-Dee!”

  With panic squeezing her lungs, Maya could barely process the chaos. Then she looked at Val pinned down beneath a mountain of chanting gnomes.

  The giant stone gnome raised its fist again.

  “Release me,” Sebastian the Chained Gnome repeated, “and I will reward your bravery.”

  Maya didn’t spare another thought at what was wrong with this garden or what she had to do.

  She yanked the cabinet open. A thick, black-red mist exploded outward, choking the air with the stench of decay.

  “I have been released,” Sebastian’s deep voice boomed.

  The sky darkened. Red eyes flickered in the mist. The massive gnome convulsed, cracked, and crumbled to dust. The gnomes fell into a panicked frenzy. One by one, the gnomes crumbled like they had been cast members of the endgame movie in Marvel.

  Sebastian had vanished as well.

  The sky cleared, and there was an unsettling silence in the garden, only followed by the chirping of birds.

  Maya clutched her chest, trying to steady her breath. “What the heck happened!?”

  Maya squinted inside the vitrine, her face twisting in confusion.

  “Are those my bras!?”

  She pulled out the missing underwear and stuffed them into the bag with Val’s new boots.

  “Unbelievable,” Maya muttered. “We went through all of that just to find my stolen laundry.”

  The whole expedition had been a whole bust. No Valkyrie artifacts had been recovered, and Val’s senses no longer picked up anything significant to pull their attention to.

  Maya groaned with a slouch. “Let’s just go home.”

  Val patted her back consolingly, equally disappointed. They left behind the wrecked garden with Maya praying this was the last of the gnome-related nonsense.

  She had a very bad feeling it wouldn’t be.

  In the middle of the night, Maya groggily and half-conscious, shuffled to the kitchen for a glass of water. She stood in the dim light, keeping her eyes shut as the faucet filled up the cup.

  She sipped from her cup, only half-aware of the world around her.

  “Hello there.”

  Maya choked and dropped the glass. Her gasp was stuck in her throat as she saw the gnomes perched on the kitchen counter.

  She pressed herself against the fridge, her heart pounding. “What are you doing at my home!?”

  “Revenge,” one of them intoned.

  “Ha ha…”

  “Ho ho…”

  “...”

  Their usual cheery tone was noticeably dulled. Despite their rigid little bodies, their coned heads dipped depressingly.

  Maya shuffled sideways to the door. “Okaaaaay. I’m just gonna—”

  “You destroyed our syndicate,” a gnome accused.

  “We were so close to world domination.”

  “And you ruined it all.”

  Maya raised a finger. “Technically, that was Sebastian—” t

  The gnomes groaned in unison at the mention of his name.

  Maya sighed, “Okay. What kind of syndicate were you even running to begin with?”

  The gnomes straightened up, puffing out their tiny chests. “We are the UGS, Underwear Gnome Syndicate.”

  Maya’s brain stalled. “...The what?”

  “Glad you asked.”

  A whiteboard popped into existence, several times bigger than the gnomes themselves. Maya’s eye twitched. The board laid out their entirely questionable business plan.

  “Phase 1, we steal underwear.”

  “Phase 3, Profit!”

  “Profit!” the gnomes sand in unison. “Fiddle-Dee-Dee!”

  Maya squinted at the board. There was an obvious question mark in the middle of it, written in big fat red.

  “Where’s Phase 2?”

  “Well,” one gnome began. “Phase 1 is stealing underwear.”

  “And Phase 3 is—”

  “I don’t need you to repeat it,” Maya interrupted, rubbing her temples from the headache she was getting. “Why my underwear?”

  “Profit!” they chanted again.

  “Their quality and properties will make us the most profit,” one added solemnly.

  Maya stared at them. “...Right…” She didn’t like the implications the gnomes casually threw into the room. “I’m just gonna—”

  “And now you will pay.”

  The gnomes’ eyes glowed, and from the shadows, dark tendrils began to creep toward her.

  “For your acts against our syndicate, we will take more than just your underwear today.”

  Maya pressed herself against the wall. Her heart hammered in her chest. She closed her eyes. A series of high-pitched screams filled the kitchen.

  She opened them again and found the gnomes burst into tiny little ceramic shards.

  “What the—”

  “I killed them.”

  Maya whipped her head to the counter next to her where Sebastian now stood.

  “You are welcome,” he added drily.

  “Uh… thanks?”

  Sebastian’s whole body turned at Maya. “And now, I’ll make you my wife.”

  “Woah, hey—no! No. No.”

  The gnome’s body started to levitate towards her. His small yet somehow imposing stance was unwavering.

  “You freed me, mortal woman. And I will honour you. Together, we will rule Midgard and then Asgard as King Gnome and Queen—”

  Sebastian’s grand inauguration speech was cut violently short.

  With a single swing of the trusty iron pan, Val obliterated Sebastian into a million fine pieces.

  Barely awake and suppressing a yarn, the Valkyrie stood over the remains. Her plaid yellow pyjama pants were wrinkled, and her green shirt slightly rolled up over her waist. Her bed hair was a tangled mess, and her eyes remained firmly shut, unable to open them so late at night.

  A loud yawn escaped her. She scooped up the broken gnome pieces with a dustpan, and flushed them down the toilet.

  Turning, she tilted her head at Maya, teetering slightly as if she was about to collapse and sleep on the floor.

  “Let’s go… back to… bed,” she mumbled.

  Sleep, however, was still not given to them.

  They crawled back into their bed and as if they barely slept, the repeated ringing of the doorbell woke them up.

  They snuggled their bodies close to each other, and Val covered their heads with a pillow to draw out the irritating sound. But the ringing persisted, an obnoxious barrage of ding-ding-dong-ding-ding-dong.

  They dragged themselves out of bed, and when they opened it, they were greeted by a tiny flying woman. They should have expected something like this, but even her appearance was too unexpected to react.

  Floating midair with her rapidly fluttering butterfly-like wings, the fairy was dressed in a black suit. Her pixie-cut hair was immaculate, and her glasses were perched on her nose as she adjusted them with an air of authority.

  “Agent Ewe, MIB—Mischief Investigation Bureau.” She flipped open a tiny badge. “We are here for—”

  Maya slammed the door shut.

  She was not in the mood for more Norse-related nonsense at this hour. But it seemed the fairy had a different opinion. The heavy door slammed open again, and the fairy invited herself inside.

  “Who taught you manners!?”

  The couple winced at the eat-piercing screech, and covered their ears.

  “I am here to investigate recent gnome activities. State your status and involvement, or there will be consequences.”

  Maya begrudgingly led the fairy into the living room, and slumped onto the couch as Agent Ewe hovered over a cushion opposite of her. Val, eyes still shut and drowsy, had enough motor function left to brew Maya a coffee.

  Ewe was a rapid talker. Neither of the couple processed anything she said and mostly responded with vague ‘Mhm’, ‘aha’, or ‘oh’ sounds.

  “This sounds like a classic case of the UGS.”

  “Underwear Gnome Syndicate,” Maya repeated the name, sipping on her coffee. Val’s head slumped back. “They made their announcement very clear.”

  “As they all do.” Agent Ewe, scribbled in her comically oversized notepad with an equally oversized pen. “Normally, we’d issue a reward in red gold, but I believe we can forego that due to the presence of a Rogue Valkyrie here.”

  Both women jerked to attention, wide awake and panicking. Agent Ewe shut them down before they could yell excuses.

  “Relax, I bust rogue gnomes, not Valkyries. That’s way beyond my paygrade. However, I suggest you watch yourselves in the future if you don’t want the Watchman to get involved. You hear me?”

  The couple nodded quickly. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Good,” Ewe nodded back, satisfied. Then she reached into her small bag. “Before I got, do either of you happen to be missing a pair of underwear?”

  Both women stiffened and looked rather uncomfortable about it. Until, that is, Ewe pulled out a strange pair of garments which glowed slightly with white light.

  She shot a look at Val. “I believe those are—”

  Val immediately snatched away the pair from the fairy’s hands. Her face looked absolutely aghast and beet red. Ewe excused herself, leaving the couple.

  Maya stared at Val with a gaping mouth. “Don’t tell me the divine artifact we searched for was a pair of…”

  Val buried her face in her hands, not answering the question from deep embarrassment. Maya patted her back consolingly.

  “There, there.”