“Bob, I want to go home, please!” Jenny said quickly.

  “Look, I’m sorry about this. I wasn’t aware that my dungeon manager had let things slide so much while I was away.” Kat stuck her tongue out and made an obscene gesture at me. “I’ll get you down to the Mill at first light, and you’ll see how it’s not so different from Baginton.”

  “Bob, forget about Mrs. Selleck here.” Jenny produced another frying pan from her bag and weighed it threateningly in one hand while glaring at the pixie. “An Epic roll! Gimme the deets!” Kat made ‘gimme’ hand motions.

  I ran through the options, and Kat whistled. Jenny looked confused.

  “What’s Divine Breath? Like the breath of a god?” the pastry chef asked.

  “It’s a nuke. As in a literal nuke. Tactical, at any rate. Enough to take out a small army, not enough to delete a decent city. They’re all good. Which one is catching your eye?” Kat asked me thoughtfully.

  “A nuke?” Jenny gulped and aimed her pan at me.

  “I’m not going to nuke my own hoard, Jen. I haven’t picked one yet anyway!” I pivoted back to Kat and shrugged. “Arcane affinity? It sounds like magic. I could go for becoming an eight-tailed magic dragon. Let any other dragons know I’m not to be messed with.” I preened and struck what I thought of as a regal pose.

  “It is magic. And good magic too. If you want to impress other dragons, number two is the one you want.” I moved over to my hoard and pulled out the pouch of holding I’d received from Dalgleish. I stuck the tip of a claw in and willed all the gold to spill out. I ended up backing away and circling round as golden booty poured out like water from a hose.

  “Jesus!” Jenny gasped, backing away to press her back against the wall once again. I now had a half-hillock of coinage, a minor mountain of wealth, and my lips curled back into my broadest grin as I climbed up and settled on top of it. I wriggled back and forth until I was partially buried in it, only my neck and a couple of tails poking out from either end, then sighed contentedly.

  “God, that feels sooo good!” I practically purred. “I figured the dominion one would put me at odds with my brothers and sisters of the scale?”

  “It’s a mixed bag, but with eight tails, you’ll be respected rather than feared, by most of them anyway.”

  “How many are there? We heard about one who was over in the dwarf lands a few years ago.” Jenny moved over and sat down cross-legged at the edge of my hoard. I opened a lazy eye and looked down at her. She looked worried, but had herself back under control, it seemed. More importantly, she was keeping her hands to herself and respecting my shinies.

  “Well, Julk Jogan, there are a few hundred of them out there, according to my pre-carnation briefing. They’re pretty… cliquey and keep to themselves.”

  “Julk?” Jenny wondered.

  “I think it was a moustache joke. So, magic or juke–nuke?” I prompted Kat.

  “It’s your build, scale-brains.” She shrugged. “Magic ends up just as powerful as the best breath attacks. Probably even stronger if you can find a good teacher, but it will take time. Do you want to play the long or the short game?”

  I thought for a moment as Kat fixed me with a piercing gaze. I was due to live for a couple of thousand years, assuming I managed to dodge the Hunters and people like Big Kenny. In a thousand years, I’d still be middle-aged and have spent centuries getting stronger.

  I clicked on Arcane Affinity and tensed for the pain, but none came. A pleasant, glowing feeling spread throughout my body, and I rose to my feet, half my tails sweeping out to catch the coins I spilled off my back and keep them on my lovely hoard. It felt like the warm feeling I’d gotten in my stomach after drinking a glass of Golden Jack.

  Affinity system initialising…

  Arcane Affinity:

  Mana circuit: Basic (monster)

  Mana: 300

  Spell list:

  Fundamentus:

  Arcanum Evocare (1MP)

  ???

  ???

  Syntheticus:

  None

  “Good choice, lizard,” Kat said approvingly, hopping down from her chair of coins and moving closer to stare intently at me. “Not a bad start. Phenomenal for a human, OK for a dragon.”

  “How does it work?” I asked. I could feel the power humming away inside me.

  A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

  “I dunno. I was a cultivator. I’m not into this Harry Potter shit. Use the words?”

  “Arcanum Evocare!” I declared forcefully. A spark of purple light appeared at the end of my nose, and my mana dipped by one. The mote of magical light danced in front of me for a few seconds, then slowly faded away.

  “Wow. That was impressive,” I grumbled, settling back onto my shinies.

  “From tiny seeds. In a decade, you’ll be a terror.” Kat sat back down. Then stood, kicked her pile of coins over, and formed them into a mattress.

  “I already am a terror.” I yawned, long fangs flashing in the reflected light of my treasure. “But I’m a tired one. Jen, you OK to crash out here for a bit? Just stay away from my hoard.” I fixed her with a single purple eye.

  “It’s not like I can climb down.” The baker began getting out her bedroll and setting up equidistant from the entrances and the hatch as much as possible.

  “How’s the hoard now, and how much can I have?” Kat asked. I suppressed the twinge of anger at her greed, then pulled up the menu and had a look.

  Dungeon Status:

  Unnamed Dungeon.

  Level: 5

  Floors: 9 (Residential (Industrial) (Agricultural) (TBCx6)

  Rooms: 13

  Sprite level: 17

  Minions: 10/30

  Hoard: 1.012M gold

  I let out a long and happy sound, between a hiss and a mew.

  “Take fifty grand. Does it need more levels?”

  “I’ll get it up to ten to unlock previously beaten species as mob minions and a new tier on the market. I want to add some combat floors. In case the bunny situation gets out of hand again.”

  “Turn the floor they’re already on into a combat floor. We can use it to train fighters. And the carcasses are valuable enough.” I was feeling sleepy. Lethargy seemed to creep up from the cold luxury of my bed. “I’m gonna have a snooze. Wake me up in a few hours, and we’ll go down to the Mill.” Another terror-yawn. Gods, I was knackered. My chin settled down with a pleasant clinking sound, scales on coins, and my eyelids drooped shut.

  ***

  “Erm, Bob? It’s time to go!” said a singsong voice. Jenny, my sleepy brain concluded. I ignored her and snuggled down deeper, drifting back into a pleasant dream where I was hunting slavers down and burning them to a crisp. I liked crisps back home…

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she continued. Damn right it’s a good idea. Crisps are awesome.

  “You never dealt with a dragon before? Huh. Trust me, this will work.” Kat. Nevermind. Salt and vinegar, no prawn cocktail! Yes, prawn cocktail flavour was the best. Toasty, prawn cocktail flavoured highwaymen…

  Clink.

  I was bolt upright in an instant, wings spread and my tails flared out, ready to strike. I glared around, nostrils dilating, prepared to unleash acidic fire on whoever was touching my shinies. Kat stood there, smirking, and carefully placed the two coins she’d clicked together back on the pile. Jenny had backed away and was once again pressed against a wall. She relaxed as my smoking eyes settled on Kat.

  “That wasn’t funny. What time is it?” The snooze had done me good, and I felt refreshed, despite my rude awakening. I moved off the pile and began shoveling the shinies I’d dislodged back into place. I circled the hoard and carefully returned everything that had rolled away. Once I was satisfied that it was all back in place, I stretched and shook myself from tip to tail.

  “It’s time you were off to see your girlfriend. I’ve checked the hatch to the bunny-infested floors is secure, and it is—inventive use of the corpses, by the way, if a little gross.”

  “We got a fridge big enough for them all?” I asked.

  “No, Bob. We don’t have a ten-by-ten metre fridge. I can probably get something set up fairly cheaply, though, just a few thousand gold. If you like, I’ll grab a dozen Ice Demon Souls from the market and get the Janglebonks to set up a cold room somewhere. Want me to?”

  “No, I’ll go grab them before we head down. Jenny, prepare yourself! The real work begins tonight! Well, tomorrow. This evening we’ll have a drink in a pub like civilised beings and get you settled, back in a jiffy.”

  I slipped down into the dungeon and found half a dozen creatures I didn’t recognise hard at work. They all nodded, tugged on their forelock, or ran in terror when they saw me. Kat had already been busy spending my treasure.

  I found a small squad, our resident mad doc in command, guarding the hatch down the farm floor. Three new fighters accompanied him. They were squat, covered in long hair, with four long arms that almost reached the floor. They each held two weapons, an assortment of maces, swords, and daggers.

  “What are these guys?” I asked Simeon as I began hoovering up the uni-bunny bodies. He opened his mouth, went cross-eyed for a moment, then gave me a pleading look. “You’re worrying about me killing you for using rhyming slang?” He nodded frantically. “I’ll just ask Kat about it sometime. “You sure you can hold?”

  The three hairy things hopped over to the hatch. It seemed they had only a single foot beneath all that fur, using their free hands as additional feet, and they settled down on top of the now clear hatch. They squeaked and giggled, their language unintelligible.

  “Fine, that works. Have fun.”

  Jenny was ready to leave, everything packed away in her knapsack, by the time I got back.

  “Ok, hop on, Jenny.” I offered her a leg so she could climb up and settle down at the base of my neck.

  “I want to come this time,” said Kat firmly.

  “What about the dungeon?”

  “Gledna and Simeon are on top of what needs doing. I haven’t seen a town for months. I didn’t use to be a pixie. I miss people.” She sounded a little sad, but I wasn’t sure I was buying it.

  “Pixies are hunted. There’s a bounty for your feet.” She became faintly translucent and faded into the stone.

  “I won’t be seen. I’d just like to see. I used to love people watching. Please?”

  “Oh, fine, but stay invisible!” Kat yipped with joy and emerged from the floor to take her usual place just behind my ears.

  We circled down on the north side of the mountain as the sun was still up; no point in risking the villagers spotting me. Once I was skimming the treetops, I flew round and stayed low until I reached my favourite landing spot in Larney’s Wood. I transformed and quickly dressed, then looked down at the pixie guide.

  “I can’t help but notice you aren’t invisible?”

  “Oh, I can’t turn invisible.” She walked over to me as I opened my mouth to complain, and then she walked into my leg. I leapt back, but she didn’t emerge as I shook it.

  “I’m in your head...” she whispered. “Plenty of room for me in here, don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

  With my baker by my side and my pixie in my brain, I set off towards the Mill with a spring in my step. I picked wild flowers as I went, ignored Kat’s sniggering, and made a bunch to hand to Esme when we got to the pub.

  The Mill was a sight for sore eyes. I was a country boy, dragon, whatever, and the small rural market town, the focus of the local farming communities, was perfect for me. As we got closer to the village, I began to realise something was wrong. The streets were too busy. I was hardly on first-name terms with most of the locals, but one thing I was certain of: there hadn’t been hundreds of armoured men walking about the last time I was here.