The formerly lazily guarded entrances to town were now locked down by at least a dozen men and women. This lot wasn’t wearing rusty chainmail and leaning against their spears, smoking pipes, and chatting happily with the locals. They were focused and diligent, a fact I found distinctly irritating.

  “You there! Name and business?” asked a short man in heavy plate armour that glowed orange with the light of the setting sun. Shiny. Not gold.

  “Who are you and what are you and yours doing here?” I snapped back. Three more troopers, all equally heavily armoured, moved to back up my rude interlocutor.

  “I’m Captain Longfellow, seconded from Baron Pratnip’s Third Heavy Foot Division; The Rompers are not to be trifled with, citizen! Now, I have been more civil than I needed to be, and if you don’t answer my question right this instant, I will see you thrown in irons!” His voice was deep and confident; however, I sensed no threat from him. A pack of mangy dogs can take down a lion, though, if they’re willing to lose a few in the process.

  “I am Sir Bob. A local adventurer and businessman. I have been away to the City and I’m returning to see to my affairs. What are you doing here, Captain?” Formal, firm, and unintimidated. This was my town now, and no one would be taking it away from me.

  “Securing the frontier on behalf of my lord.” One of his associates, with a slightly pale face, removed one of the scoot devices and moved in so he could whisper in Longfellow's ear. The captain glanced from me to the man, then back again. “We weren’t informed of any adventurers operating out of this town.” He sounded far more respectful now. “Can I see your Guild licence, please, sir?”

  “I’m independent. No need for all that. I’m more than happy to live and let live if you are?” He shifted nervously, hand moving to rest on the pommel of his still sheathed sword.

  “Which business is yours, sir?” he asked, a little more coldly.

  “I’m co-owner of the Swinging Cod tavern, and I’m returning from Ankmapak with supplies of whisky, delicacies, and the finest pastry chef Baginton has ever produced!” I gestured grandly to Jenny, who smiled happily at the praise. “Why don’t you swing by when you get off shift, and I’ll stand you and your troop a round?” Thanks, ascot of generosity. I adjusted my orange neckerchief in gratitude.

  “I might just do that, Sir Bob.”

  “Just Bob is fine, Captain. I’m sure you and your troops will love the new additions to the menu at the Cod. I take it I’m free to go?” He nodded and moved back, his squad pulling out of my way as well.

  “I’ll swing by later to confirm you’re on the up and up. But for now… Of course, sir, have a good evening.”

  We headed into town, and I was impressed by the sheer numbers the Baron had sent to my little backwater. Hundreds of soldiers patrolled and guarded various locations.

  “How about we go on a little tour?” I asked Jenny.

  “Is there that much to see? It’s smaller than Baginton.”

  “I want to check out how the competition is doing.”

  “Be careful, Bob. You can’t see it, but a few of the troops you’ve passed are pretty strong. Not serious-threat-to-you strong, but strong for humans.” Kat said from within my head.

  “Noted. Let’s see how Restaurant One is doing, then we can go to the Cod and get Jenny settled.”

  Restaurant One and the bank opposite were heavily guarded. A couple of dozen troopers stood in ranks outside each establishment, looking bored but still eyeing anyone who approached suspiciously.

  “Play it cool,” I muttered to Jenny as we walked down the centre of the street. I flicked an odd glance left and right, trying to gauge how busy the restaurant was without seeming to be looking too closely. A number of the seats were empty, so mine and Esme’s sabotage was still having an effect, but they had about three-quarters of the tables filled, and the diners appeared to be enjoying themselves. Angtirm. He’d have to wait until I figured out what the hell was going on with the army decamping on the doorstep to my lair.

  “That’s the competition? It didn’t look like much. You went to all this trouble just to punish a crappy eatery?” asked Jenny.

  “He nicked Bob’s idea, so he has to pay. Draconic logic, hairy-lip. Never steal from a dragon,” Kat whispered from inside me.

  “This is really uncomfortable, Kat. I’m not sure we’re doing this again.”

  “Boo. Let a girl have some fun once in a while!” she chuckled evilly.

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  I led us back around town to the Cod and stared happily at the door to my little slice of heaven, thinking happily of the angel it contained. I straightened my impromptu bouquet as best I could. The mishmash spray of pinks, purples, and reds looked good to me.

  “Does this look alright?” I waved the bunch at Jenny, who shrugged.

  “It’s ok, I guess? I’d be happy if a guy turned up with something like that.”

  “Do they normally turn up with depilatory cream in your case?” Kat asked sweetly. Jenny moved to lash out at Kat, but stopped as soon as she realised it would require punching me in the head. Her hand dropped slowly to her side.

  “At least I’m bigger than a decently sized dick and can show my face in town,” she hissed at me, no, at Kat. I was feeling a little caught in the middle. The two women were more than welcome to hate each other, but when one of them was hiding inside my body, I felt more involved than I wanted to be.

  “At least a dick has hair in the right places!” Kat hissed back.

  “Eh, I don’t think that comeback worked as well out loud as it did in your head, Kat. Will you two stop spoiling my moment and give me a second?” They settled into a sullen silence, and I took hold of myself.

  I was awesome, and I knew it. There was no way anyone could have threatened my relationship with the best beauty in town. And if they had… well, no one steals from me. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

  Every table and bench was crammed full of soldiers. Mick and the other locals I’d grown used to seeing supping in the Cod were absent.

  Esme was swatting at the hand of a man reaching for her ass after placing a tray of ales down on a table, and my blood ran cold. Colder? I was reptilian now, did I have hot blood in mammal form? Meh, a question for nerds. Whatever my base temperature might be, it heated up rapidly at the sight of my buxom barmaid being manhandled by a random soldier.

  I slammed the door shut behind me, and all eyes swung in my direction. Most quickly returned to their drinks, but Esme’s face lit up into a broad grin, and she rushed across the bar in a green blur. I couldn’t help but notice that her boobs bounced boobily before she leapt up and wrapped her legs around my waist, slipped her tongue into my mouth for a quick kiss and then pulled my face down into her ample assets. I smirked smirkily in the soft embrace.

  “Bob!” She leant back and lifted my head from the second-best place to rest it, second only to my hoard.

  “I can see why you like her!” Kat whispered in my head. Yeah, never doing this again.

  “So glad you’re back, sweetheart!” Another kiss that left my mammalian parts suffused with blood. She hopped down and took my hand to lead me over to the bar. I glared at the gentleman who’d been getting handsy with her as I passed, and he scowled at me in response. One of his friends started to say something, but I shifted my look to that poor fool who shut his mouth with a clop.

  As we arrived at the bar, Esme slipped round to the other side and pulled out a glass.

  “What can I get you, my love?” she asked with a wink. Even my cold lizard-heart fluttered slightly at the words. No woman back home had ever said those words in that way to me, certainly not one as attractive as Esme, at any rate. Was she just being flirtatious, or was there something deeper? Just leave it for now, Bob. I thought reluctantly.

  “I’ll have a glass of this, please, my sweet Esme.” I produced a bottle of Golden Jack and placed it on the counter. She picked it up and examined the label before looking at me questioningly.

  “Have a glass as well. Gods, it’s good to be back. The city was… well, it’s a weird place.”

  She opened the bottle and took a sniff. Her eyes went wide, and she put another glass down and poured a measure into each. We raised our glasses, clinked them together, and each took a sip.

  “Not too many pretty maids to catch you–” Esme was cut off as the door slammed back open.

  “You forgot someone!” Kat giggled quietly enough that only I would hear.

  “Shit!” I hurried back to the door and found Jenny standing, mopping at blood dripping from her nose with a lacy handkerchief. She glared at me as she tilted her head back, pinched the bridge of her nose, and glared at me.

  “Thath wath fuckin’ ruth!” she slurred.

  “Sorry, Jenny.”

  She kicked me in the shin and then hopped forward into the room a few steps before carefully laying her bruised foot back on the ground.

  “That one’s more on his level! He seems as though a blood-covered moustache would appeal! Esme, that chump isn’t worth your time. Why don’t you come and warm my lap?” called the soldier who’d been manhandling my lady earlier.

  In human form, sparks and motes of light didn’t float from my eyes when I got angry, but the Gaze I sent his way froze half the bar as I stalked towards him. I sank my fingers into his shoulder and lifted him up, knocking his chair over as he rose to dangle in my grasp.

  “Apologise.” My voice was like tombstones smashing together.

  “Fuck… You…” He sank a dagger into my stomach and tried to wiggle it around to do as much damage as possible. It didn’t move. He jiggled back and forth like a pi?ata from his efforts, though.

  “I’m going to let the attempted murder slide,” I growled, giving him one of my best time-to-shit-yourself-mate smiles. My free hand pulled the dagger out and disappeared it into my pocket dimension. “If I see you or any of your mates in here again…” I let my glare finish the sentence as I dropped him to the floor. “Get out.”

  His friends rose slowly to their feet and reached for various knives and swords about their persons. I rolled my shoulders in anticipation of what was about to happen. I wouldn’t kill them, of course. I was angry, I wasn’t stupid. But they’d know they’d lost a fight when I was done with them.

  “Now then, what’s going on here?” called a familiar voice from behind me.

  “Johnson! This peasant has abused an officer of the Third! I demand he be arrested and clapped in irons,” the mouthy gentleman demanded from the floor.

  “Now, there’s no need for all that. Sir Bob was just defending mine and his friend's honour. Captain Longfellow, I really must insist that you require higher standards of discipline from your troops while they frequent the Cod!” Esme called as she came round from the bar and rushed to my side. Her hands fluttered over my stomach, and her face was pale.

  “It’s fine,” I said quietly, before turning to find the captain of the guard who’d met me at the edge of town standing framed by the darkness outside the open door.

  “You’re letting the heat out, Captain Johnson Longfellow. Come in and have that drink I promised.” I managed to say his name without giggling.