The apocalypse didn't smell like fire and brimstone. It smelled like cheap hazelnut coffee and burnt plastic.

  Kai lay on the ruined mahogany desk, staring up at the hole in the ceiling. Thick, hot brown sludge was pouring into the Guild Hall. It splashed over his face. It soaked into his hoodie.

  "It burns!" Maya yelled, wiping the goo from her face. "Kai, the textures are melting! Look at the wood!"

  She was right. The coffee wasn't just making things wet. Where it touched the floor, the realistic wood grain was dissolving into a flat, brown smear.

  "Silence!" Grom, the Orc Guildmaster, stood up from his broken chair.

  Despite having four people crash through his roof, Grom remained terrifyingly composed. He brushed a splinter of wood off his silk suit. He looked at the coffee raining down on his ledger.

  "This leakage is unacceptable," Grom rumbled, dipping a massive green finger into the puddle on his desk. "Kai, I am going to add a 'Janitorial Surcharge' to your debt. You now owe 17,500 Gold."

  "Grom, the server is frying!" Kai scrambled off the desk, slipping in the puddle. "We need to leave! The code is going to—"

  Kai braced himself. He expected his mouth to scream an ad for car insurance. He expected the spam bot curse to hijack his throat.

  But nothing happened.

  "The code is going to crash!" Kai shouted. His voice was his own.

  He touched his throat. "I... I didn't sell anything," he whispered. "The Auditor really did delete the malware."

  "Small mercies," Gideon noted, helping the noble up. The Knight looked battered. His armor was dented, his cape was torn, and his helmet was still a rotting, sticky pumpkin that attracted flies. But in his hand, he held The Judge the giant black squeaky hammer.

  "But look at the sky, my Lord," Gideon pointed The Judge at the ceiling. "The brown rain... it hums."

  PING.

  Suddenly, the air in the room turned heavy. The blue system lights flickered and died. A new light replaced them with a bright nursery yellow glow.

  A giant window popped up in the middle of the room. It didn't look like the usual sleek, blue System interface. It looked like a page from a coloring book. The font was big, bubbly, and written in crayon.

  [ UH-OH! ] [ Messy Liquid Detected! ] [ Bad Vibes Detected! ][ Previous Safety Violations Found in Cache... ] [ Escalation Protocol: LOADING. ]

  "Uh-oh?" Gideon tilted his pumpkin helmet. "Is that a rune of power?"

  "It’s a warning," Kai whispered, reading the text. "The System detects a biological hazard. It’s trying to sanitize the environment."

  [ SAFETY PROTOCOL INITIATED... ] [ ACTIVATING: JUNIOR MODE ]

  "Junior Mode?" Pigglesworth scoffed, adjusting his wet cravat. "I am a Viscount! I am a senior member of society! I refuse to be a junior anything!"

  [ 3... 2... 1... PLAY TIME! ]

  A wave of sparkles literal, high-definition glitter exploded from the ceiling.

  It wasn't magic. It was a texture overwrite. The shockwave passed through the room, rewriting reality as it moved.

  The sharp, dangerous swords on the wall turned into foam pool noodles. The jagged iron chandelier turned into a plastic mobile with hanging stars. The dark, moody lighting vanished, replaced by a brightness that hurt the eyes.

  "My eyes!" Maya grabbed her giant brush. "The contrast! It’s gone! There are no shadows!"

  She spun around. "I’ll fix it! Paint: Spikes!"

  She swung her brush, trying to create a jagged wall of barricades to block the door.

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  POOF.

  Instead of iron spikes, a pile of soft, fluffy pillows appeared.

  [ System Message: Spikes are ouchie! Try a pillow fort instead! ]

  "Ouchie?" Maya stared at the pillows, her hand trembling. "It... it censored my art. It made it... soft."

  "What is happening to me?" Grom roared.

  The glitter wave hit the Guildmaster.

  For a second, nothing happened. Then, the edges of his silhouette began to blur.

  His sharp, jagged tusks rounded off until they looked like marshmallows. His rough, scarred green skin softened, turning into a fuzzy felt. His expensive silk suit lost its sheen and became a soft, stitched on costume.

  Grom looked at his hands. He squeezed them. They made a soft whump sound.

  "I feel..." Grom’s voice wasn't a rumble anymore. It was soft and warm. "I feel... cuddly? This is terrible for business."

  "My armor!" Gideon shouted.

  The wave hit the Knight. His rusty, battered plate armor flashed and turned into bright blue plastic. It looked like a costume you would rent for halloween. His tattered cape became a pristine, star-patterned blanket.

  And the rotting, sticky pumpkin on his head?

  POP.

  It turned into a bright, smiling, plastic Jack o' Lantern bucket.

  "I am..." Gideon touched his plastic helmet. "I am shiny. I feel light."

  He swung The Judge.

  Shoooooop!

  It didn't squeak. It made a "Parap!! para" trumpet sound.

  Gideon froze. He looked at the hammer with genuine horror. "It... it mocks me. The Judge has lost its authority. It sounds like a clown"

  "We have to go," Kai said. He tried to shout, "WE HAVE TO GET OUT!"

  [ WARNING: VOLUME LIMIT REACHED ]

  BZZZT.

  His voice dropped to a whisper.

  [ USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE! ]

  "It filtered me," Kai rasped, touching his throat. "It capped my volume."

  "Run," Gideon squeaked.

  They ran for the door. Outside, the rain had stopped. But Oakhaven was wrong.

  The mud was gone. The cobblestones were gone. The ground was now a soft, colorful puzzle-piece mat. The buildings had no sharp edges; they curved and bulged like balloons. The sky was a bright, flat blue with a sun that had a smiley face.

  "It’s hideous," Maya whispered, looking at a tree that was perfectly spherical. "It breaks every rule of composition."

  Ding-Dong-Ding!

  A bell chimed. It wasn't an ominous toll. It was a school bell.

  [ ATTENTION FRIENDS! ] [ IT IS NAP TIME! ] [ LOW ENERGY DETECTED! ] [ PREPARING MEMORY CLEANUP... ]

  A guard, one of the NPCs Kai recognized who he had slapped with a Bass was leaning against a wall nearby. He yawned.

  "I feel... sleepy," the guard mumbled. "Time for a... snooze."

  The guard sat down on the puzzle mat floor. He closed his eyes.

  POOF.

  He vanished. He didn't die. He just ceased to exist. A small cloud of bubbles appeared where he had been.

  "He is gone!" Gideon gasped. "The sleep took him!"

  "It’s a garbage collector," Kai said . "If you fall asleep in Junior Mode, the System deletes you to save memory. 'Nap Time' is a wipe cycle."

  "I am wide awake!" Pigglesworth shouted, prying his eyelids open with his fingers. "I shall never blink again!"

  "Books are boring!" A booming voice sang from the town square.

  [ THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. ]

  The ground shook but softly, like a mattress bouncing.

  Rounding the corner was a monstrosity.

  It was twenty feet tall. It was purple. It was soft. It had dead, unblinking black eyes and a permanent, stitched on smile.

  "Is that..." Gideon raised the Judge "Is that a Dragon?"

  "It’s the Enforcement Bot," Kai backed up. "It’s the mascot."

  The purple dinosaur opened its mouth.

  "I love you..." it sang. The voice was deep, slow, and distorted. "You love me..."

  "I do not!" Pigglesworth yelled. "I do not know you! We have not been introduced!"

  The dinosaur leaned down. Its dead eyes locked onto Kai.

  "We're a happy fa mi ly..."

  "It wants a hug," Kai realized. "If it hugs us, we get deleted ..err.. removed forever."

  "SCATTER!" Kai yelled.

  "With a great big hug..." the dinosaur sang, lurching forward with arms wide open.

  Gideon charged. He didn't scatter. He was a Knight, by Saint Leroy he wasn't going to hide.

  "I shall hold the beast back!" Gideon shouted. "Run, my friends! I shall engage in the cuddle of Death!"

  He raised The Judge. "Parap!! para"

  "NO!" Kai grabbed Gideon’s plastic cape. "Gideon, stop! You can't fight it!"

  "I am a Knight!" Gideon squeaked.

  "It doesn't take damage!" Kai hissed, pulling him back. "It’s a Moderator Tool! If it touches you, it doesn't hurt you it removes you. It deletes your file!"

  "It removes... the soul?" Gideon lowered his hammer, terrified.

  "SCATTER!" Kai yelled.

  "With a great big hug..." the dinosaur sang, lurching forward with arms wide open.

  They turned and ran, splitting up into the candy colored nightmare of the new Oakhaven, while the song echoed endlessly behind them.