An epic, fast-paced martial anthem began, and the greatest song sprang to life. Promising to make a man out of me. But I was not a cross-dressing soldier. Well, not yet, but who knows what life will bring?

  "So you can harvest XP. I know there is a program for that. Same thing built into every poor sap on this planet." I affirmed aloud.

  [Experience points accessible through system channels.]

  That was good to know that at least that was operational. I had no system, so killing monsters would net me nothing at all. But Jenny could hoard the XP for me, and with enough, we could do some fun stuff.

  "Alright then, we need to test this out. Let's find something so low level that even this uncalloused desk jockey could wack."

  With the mission in mind. I scanned the area. Only the wind and the soft chirps of birds came to greet me. Not exactly giving me the whole dangerous monster forest vibe. Which was good. I was practically at level zero right now and would get wacked myself if I'm not careful.

  "Jeremy," I called to the imperious feline.

  The creature didn't even deign to look back. Focusing on grooming as if the monster-infested forest was nothing to scoff at. Perhaps Jeremy was cool in the wilderness, an adaptable rogue that could go anywhere and still look fabulous.

  "Come on, Jer, can't you at least acknowledge your buddy, old pal Joey?"

  He didn't, as expected, and instead casually rose, walked across the grass, nudged open my bag somehow, and plopped inside, closing it with a flick of his tail. No matter how long I observed this feline, understanding him was a monumental effort.

  "So now you like the bag?" I asked and received not even a hiss.

  Well, he was always an indoor cat, so it made sense for him to find the brisk outdoors unpleasant. I just hoped he wouldn't eat my entire stock of food while in there. Although I think I recall someone mentioning how each item is partitioned. A few system worlds' inventory designs served as the model for the suitcase, now the travel bag. In fact, I heard one world had the entire populace with inventories.

  "Looks like Jer is going to be of no help in our endeavour. Let us be off. Onward to adventure!" I announced to the forest, and hopefully not to any savage beast.

  Checking my bag, I assessed my combat options. I could bash something to death with the toaster, give something a good wack with the mop. I could use the spray cans and lighters. Definitely should keep the coffee handy, thankfully, that glorious beverage refilled like magic.

  Confident, I strode forward like a bold hero, ready to slay a dragon or maybe a horned rabbit. Yes, definitely try to aim low. With my mission at hand, I passed through some foliage and the sound of the forest grew louder. Every step suggested there was life in this area, and I was getting closer.

  No idea how long I walked before I decided to just screw it and sent the mental command to trigger the scan ability.

  [Scanning, please wait.]

  [Scan complete. 193 lifeforms detected; data available.]

  [System Points: 295/300]

  The mechanical voice of my best girl informed me, and I stopped in my tracks. Did she just say there were a hundred and ninety-three life forms in the immediate vicinity? Was I about to get mobbed by a hundred very pissed off monsters? The very concept sent a shudder down my whole body, and parts of my body did what they do when terrified.

  Babe, did you just say there were around a hundred life forms in a thirty-metre radius? I mentally questioned my companion. She communicated a pretty clear affirmative, and that did nothing to assuage my fear. I reached for my bag for anything. Maybe I could wack a few with the mop or maybe sick Jeremy on them. But honestly, it seemed cruel. Not for the cat, but for the monsters.

  Trying to calm myself, I thought rationally. That many monsters would get noticeable, so the figure must be in error. Just in case, I ran over to the nearest tree and hid like the coward I was. Once settled, I centred my thoughts and began interrogating Jenny.

  After the third query, I learned the truth, and my fear significantly subsided. The scan detected every lifeform with a level because it lacked filtering. The scan even considered the level-zero critters. With some adjusting, I had Jenny filter out non-threats and include anything level one and above.

  The number of lifeforms drastically reduced to around thirty, and most were at levels one to five. I had her give me directions to the lowest-level monster at a meagre level of one, with stats that were nothing to scoff at.

  "Alright, that is my target. What were its stats again?"

  [Briar Creeper: Level 1. Description: A skittering, thorn-covered vine creature, created by ambient mana warping local flora. Not very strong, but can entangle enemies in vines.]

  The name inspired no fear, and the level reflected that. Attributes were pretty mediocre, nothing over three. The health and stamina were all maxed out at fifteen, with not a drop of mana available. The only skill it had was entangle and vine whip. It was practically a Bulbasaur at level one, probably even weaker than that starter pokemon.

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  Withdrawing the mop, I snapped off the end to create an improvised spear. Sadly, it took several tries and did not look cool at all. I would put some points into strength, but I didn't have a system integrated into this body.

  I stopped in my tracks and wondered something. Giving a quick query to Jenny. She confirmed that my idea had merit, with some caveats. Well, I would get to it when I did. Testing was required for now.

  Slowly, I crept in the monster's direction. Thankfully, no other monsters in the immediate vicinity. Well, nothing dangerous at least. Ducking under some branches, I entered a small clearing. I heard the monster before I saw it, and the rustling preceded its approach.

  The Briar Creeper was the size of a small dog, crawling out from beneath a small rotten log. It was all thorns and twitching vines. A bit hentai for my taste. They looked a lot like writhing tentacles, and I worried about my virginity. The rest of the creature's appearance didn't help to dissuade the gross factor.

  It was like a bramble centipede, its segments covered in sticky foliage, and it had hooked horns on what I think was its head. Its legs were not legs at all, more like root tendrils digging into the ground and dragging its body across.

  Honestly, just looking at the thing unnerved me, and I wasn't keen on examining it. Driven by fear or perhaps bravery, I brandished my spear and ran at the creature with reckless abandon. I knew this was stupid, but the longer I just stood there, the more likely I would have just booked it out of here.

  Using all my strength, I struck the beast with a pointy stick. I missed, of course, and struck just shy of what the thing used as a head. Congratulating my successful attempt to kill the ground, I glanced at the creature.

  The Briar Creeper just stared at me with its horns, I think. Before, a tendril erupted from the ground and bitch-slapped me in the face. Jenny informed me that the Briar Creeper had just used its skill Vine Whip, which was so helpful right now. The blow sent me staggering, and heat rose in my cheeks.

  Thankfully, I kept my balance, and the blow was enough to boil anger in my chest. The heat was unfamiliar. Was this the rage of battle? Or was just too pissed off to acknowledge the pain. Whatever it was, it coursed through me, and as if by instinct, I raised my little spear and batted away the entangling vines it sent my way.

  Okay, let's be honest. It tried to tentacle rape me, and I threw a stick at it. The creature went, oh that's cool and dragged the broken mop back to devour it or whatever these things do.

  While it was distracted, I leapt back, pulled my coffee flask from my bag, and sipped the smallest amount. I spilled some, but that sip was enough. I was soon tweaking and was about to kick ass.

  With speed that would boggle the mind, I withdrew a spray can and lighter. The bottle of air freshener and the Zippo lighter combined to deadly effect. Flipping the flame on, I positioned the spray before screaming at the top of my lungs.

  "Joey uses flamethrower!"

  Pressing down with my index finger, I let loose a scorching flame of destruction. Well, to be exact, I produced a modest flame that barely touched one of its tendrils. Luckily for me, this thing was flammable, and I was motivated.

  In a frenzy, I kept the flame going despite the creature writhing in agony as the fire consumed him. The fire attack was super effective, and too much coffee made me not care. I just kept torching the monster until Jenny insisted the smouldering ashes were dead.

  Breathing heavily, my heart pounding like a jackhammer. I finally stopped playing arson and let the flames die down. The creature was dead, and unlike the natives, I didn't get a ping of a level up or XP gain. I got nada, zilch, not a thing. But Jenny got something, oh did she get something? And she was quite vocal about it.

  An upbeat disco anthem played as I tried to get my breath under control. And as the smell of scorched bark reached my nostrils. Bright horns and a funky baseline preceded hand claps. Celebrating the good times and despite all I just went through, I couldn't help but smile.

  Some funky music backed the next notification, whose exaltation made me forget my sore face.

  [Experience Points Harvested.]

  I couldn't help myself; my feet moved of their own accord as the music took me. I didn't even notice the soft growls, too caught up in my victory dance. Only after Jenny's abrupt cancellation of the music did I realise something was wrong.

  "Oh, come on." I complained as two beasts came into view. "You can't let me have this, can you?"

  The data from the previous scan pinged in my head as Jenny decided it was time to inform me. The two creatures were a pair of Gnarltooth Cubs, snarled at me like I was dinner. And they were both level two, so I was utterly screwed.

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