The pair of monsters assessed me like a tiny morsel with legs. My eyes darted quickly and fearfully as the smooth disco music slowly faded. I got a good look at their profile; it did not bode well. A short but solid creature, all sinew and fangs, the size of a large dog. With mottled grey-brown hair and yellow eyes that spoke of predatory intelligence.

  Naturally, my death flashed before my eyes, the sight of being torn limb from limb by things the system called cubs. I mean, if these were babies, I was truly and utterly doomed. That was until my tweaked-out brain came up with a brilliant plan. And with a speed that rivalled Hermes, I withdrew the coffee and drank the whole thing.

  "Meth aint got shit on this!" I screamed as the coffee shot all the way into my brain.

  With a vigour only the gods could feel, I turned and fled. The speed I attained as the forest passed by was incredible. The world was a blur as every step took me on a mind-bending journey away from these mangy mutts.

  Elated and glorious, the sense of achievement was grand. This lasted for a few minutes before I slammed into a tree and broke my face. The sudden stop was not helpful in my great escape. I mean, what did I expect, that I was really the Flash? I guess the warning labels were there for a reason. Pity I would die soon.

  "No, that was quitter talk, and my non-existent mother raised no quitter." I bellowed to the heavens, probably a bad idea since I was on the lam.

  Ignoring the throbbing in my face, I rose to my feet, the artificial speed still in effect. Quickly turning to face my foes, I withdrew the first thing I could think of. The mighty toaster of doom was now in my hand and the enemy in my sight. Tweaking so much that fear became a distant memory, I summoned the spirit of every caveman to have ever lived in any world.

  "Smashing time!" I roared, and sadly, they were unfettered.

  The gnarly level two creatures leapt at me, claws first. They sought to rip out my throat, hobble me to death, and eat my ass. No sir, not this office clerk. Summoning up all the speed I could muster, I leapt into the first cub and dropped the toaster onto its head. The stupid animal didn't even dodge as I caved in its skull.

  Well, that would have happened if I had known what I was doing. Instead, I just bashed the side of its head, eliciting a soft yelp of pain. Luckily, the impact sent it staggering back, so I had time to breathe, or not. The other cub went straight for my leg, its fangs buried into soft flesh, and I screamed.

  I was sure that if I had a status screen right now, my health would have lost a decent chunk. To add insult to injury, the damn thing used my limb as a chew toy. Tearing flesh from the bone. If I weren't careful, I would lose it. Pain coursed through me in a wave of agony. I wanted it to stop, and my hands moved of their own accord.

  I brought the toaster down onto its head. In a frenzy of madness, I slammed the metallic object against whatever flesh was at hand. Unfortunately, in my madness I struck my leg a few times, but I got the monster enough that its face was mush.

  [Experience Points Harvested.]

  The prompt was like music to my ears as the creature fell limp, lifeless and faceless. The rage didn't diminish one bit as I turned to the incoming Gnarltooth Cub and battered it away with the blood-covered toaster. Ignoring my wound, I limped over to the downed creature and brought the toaster down onto its head.

  Blow after blow, I didn't stop until the creature stopped moving. And even then I still tried to cave its face in. Total was my savagery. Nothing but rage and pain compelled me to destroy all in my way. Not my finest hour, but you try fighting monster dogs.

  [Experience Points Harvested.]

  The prompt came and went, and yet I still kept bashing the poor creature's brains out. Strike after strike, in a coffee and pain fueled frenzy, I tried to kill that which was already dead. I don't know how long I desecrated the monster's corpse, but eventually my energy reserves drained away.

  Wheezing like I had just run fourteen consecutive marathons, I fell back, spent, exhausted and in utter pain. Groaning in agony, lying in the dirt, surrounded by trees, grass and two dead monster dogs. I wondered if this was all worth it until the pain in my leg made thoughts redundant.

  "Bloody hell!" I gave voice to my pain.

  Do not look at it. Do not look at it. I repeated that mantra over and over, and yet I looked at it. Dirt and blood utterly ruined my slacks. The torn piece of cloth around my wound was of particular note, and it made me gag. I mean, the wound was disgusting too, but my slacks!

  I knew moaning over my tattered clothing was weird. Most would probably think the bloody wound was of more concern. But damn it, these were my only clothes. The suit was a marvel of magical engineering. Made from something I could not pronounce, self-cleaning, self-healing and wait. Why wasn't it self-healing?

  I moved for a closer look, and furious pain soon lashed me. Like my wound was mad at my lack of attention. Grumbling, I quickly took out a bandage and some antiseptic. Yes, we had the mundane stuff, mostly to shut up the employees about office authenticity. I mean, none of us gets hurt or even sick.

  Well, I used to be in perfect health before I left the best and only job of my entire existence! Calm down, Joey, you can't cry over spilt milk or the consequences of your little bender.

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  It took a few minutes to bandage the wound. I winced like a little bitch through the entire process. I didn't have overwhelming anger to keep me going. Once I was at least going to survive, I turned back to my slacks. I had pulled up the fabric to reach my wound. Inspecting the tattered clothing, I noticed a significant lack of self-repair.

  This made little sense. My clothes were supposed to stay fresh for eternity, repair any damage and make me look fly as hell twenty-four seven, seven days a week. Well, we didn't have weeks or days or even hours in the void. But once the office watched the TV show The Office, let's just say the working hours had some alterations.

  "Jenny, can you scan my clothes? In fact, can you scan all my stuff and log its attributes?"

  After I removed all the scannable essentials, Jenny scanned my remaining belongings. Mostly all the magical stuff, plus the bloody toaster to my left. Jeremy leapt out of the bag. Looked around before crawling over and lying across my lap. I winced in pain, but didn't want to argue.

  [Scanning, please wait.]

  [Scan Complete. 5 items detected; data available.]

  [System Points: 290/300]

  Oh, the pain of using my precious system points, but my stuff was practically my lifeline. I need to assess them, since without my office supplies, I was a regular dude without a system.

  I commanded Jenny to list every magical artefact I had. But first, it's probably best to get the hell out of here. Grabbing the mangy little cat, the hissing irritant fought me, but I was in no mood.

  Limping away, I tried to put as much distance as possible between myself and the scene of the crime. Honestly, I didn't expect to get far, but any distance was fine. Eventually I settled beside a tree, assessed the environs before asking Jenny to list the stuff.

  [Office Suit. Description: Typical office suit manufactured by the Gaming Gods TM. Enchantments: Self Repair. Status: Depleted. Charging Time: 10 Hours]

  [Energy Drink. Description: Energy drink manufactured by the Gaming Gods TM. Enchantments: Energise. Status: Depleted. Charging Time: 3 Hours]

  [Coffee Flask. Description: Coffee brewed by the Gaming Gods TM. Enchantments: Haste. Status: Depleted. Charging Time: 5 Hours]

  [Toaster. Description: Toaster manufactured by the Gaming Gods TM. Status: Charged. Charging Time: 3 Hours]

  [Panini Press. Description: Panini Press manufactured by the Gaming Gods TM. Status: Charged. Charging Time: 3 Hours]

  Charging time? Depleted? What in the home office was happening? These artefacts didn't have such limitations before. They were practically infinite — at least they never needed charging. I always figured it was just God magic.

  Then I realised it was so simple that I should have hit myself for being so stupid. They are magic items, at least I was pretty sure they were. The gods made them, but who says they made them with divine power?

  To be honest, that seemed like a waste, much easier to make them with magic. But then how did they work at all? Did that mean the home office was passively charging them? Like they had a permanent charging cord hooked up and now they are running on battery?

  I couldn't verify beyond what Jenny had just told me. But the gist was obvious. These artefacts acted like typical magic items; they needed to charge with mana. And sadly, I didn't have mana circuits integrated into my body. Unable to use magic, I would need to rely on ambient mana charges over time or find some crystals.

  "I am so screwed." I sighed, not knowing what to do.

  I had originally intended to load up on sellable items and rely on my magic items to deal with any threats. The assumption that they would work indefinitely was a bad assumption. And given I was in a literally deadly forest, I needed power. Not just loading myself up with magical meth, I needed a system.

  "But I can't integrate. That's turning myself in."

  Racking my brain over a solution, I pulled out my phone from my breast pocket. Doom scrolling through my playlists and massive library of audiobooks, movies, TV shows and anime. I pondered giving up, settling in some cave, and rewatching all seasons of Overlord.

  "Bloody hell, I won't get the new season! Whenever that comes out, of course."

  Mentally jotting down a new priority to either travel to one of the Earth variants or somehow hack into one of the multiversal streaming services. Honestly, it would probably be easier to open a portal to Earth. The encryption on those streams is god-level coding.

  Opening portals to other worlds set aside for now. I needed to sort out this situation. Take stock of what I have and what I need. Putting my stuff back in my bag, hoping it charges faster in there. I patted Jeremy because I love him, no idea why. He could be magic and controlling my mind. But who can say no to that face?

  "Yes, you are adorable; you are the cutest kitty in the world." I told the feline something he had heard millions of times before.

  We could sum up his reaction in two simple words. "Well, duh." Thus, the truth of the cosmos was granted to us lesser beings. All hail his imperial feline majesty. Long may he reign over our hearts and minds.

  Once that was done, embarrassed about how long it had taken, but that was set aside for now. Time to get to work and figure out. "Operation, don't get eaten in the woods." Leaning back against the tree, thankfully no monsters prowling around. I tried to come up with a brilliant idea.

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