Climbing Mount Ares takes half the night and all of my patience. This is one hell of a mountain. And as if climbing it wasn’t bad enough, as soon as we get to the top we just have to turn right around and go all the way back down toward the center. That part wouldn’t be as bad except that now there’s liquid hot magma scorching my face while I walk. I have to hold my hand up to shield my eyes from the blazing heat the entire way. To get to the bottom we have to take a path that spirals around the center, and the lava is always within sight. Everything is baked in orange light, and even Ulric is panting like a dog in heat by the time we get to the bottom. I’m half-tempted to throw my armor to the ground before we get there but I know what’s waiting for us at the end so I leave it on.

  Shockingly enough, there’s actually stuff living in this volcano. I don’t know how the hell they survive in here, but we hack our way through giant bats and weird centipede things and even a few small versions of Gargantua that may or may not be its distant relations.

  I haven’t resorted to using Gungnir yet. It’s been strapped to my back ever since we left the boat. The sword they gave me is useful enough. When we find Cerberus I guess I’ll give the mystical spear a whirl just because it’s been built up so much by this point, but in the meantime I stick to what I’m good at—which is slicing monsters apart with a good old-fashioned claymore.

  All six of us are drowning in our own sweat by the time we get to the bright, gooey part at the bottom of the volcano. The place where all this unbearable heat is coming from. When we get there, we all run around like idiots looking for a door or hatch or something that will take us to this mythological monster we’ve heard so much about. Of course it’s Ulric who knows what to do. After consulting with Gabriella’s compass, he walks to a nondescript part of the rocky surface and then just stands and stares at it. I hobble over and pant at him, “What are you looking for?”

  “Not looking for. Found. East. Where the sun rises on the Etherean Sea. We’re early though. Cerberus is not yet awake.”

  I hunch over and rest my palms against my legs. “Well, wake his ass up! It’s hot down here.”

  “I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. The only time beings like this one can be found in our world is during that brief bit of time that exists when night becomes day. While the sun is still seated on the horizon. That’s when the line that separates our worlds becomes blurred. And we’re early.”

  “Early? For what? Sunrise? How the hell long’s that gonna take?”

  He tells me, “Not long,” and then just keeps staring at that damn wall. I don’t know what else to do so I go over and wait with the other henchpeople behind a rocky bulge that provides barely any protection from the heat at the center of the volcano. Then we spend the next half-hour desperately finishing off the last dregs of our water pouches while Ulric stands sweatingly in front of the wall.

  I’m experiencing at least half the symptoms of heatstroke by the time he finally reaches forward and presses his palms against it. The rest of us leap to our feet and watch as he braces his legs and leans forward to try and push the wall open like a door. Then we all run over to help when it looks like he’s struggling with it. It takes all of us shoving as hard as we can to get the thing open. Then Ulric walks in first while the rest of us catch our breath and follow cautiously behind.

  It’s dark inside. The only light in the room is from the doorway we just entered through. Once we’ve all filed in, the unbearable heat subsides, and it’s actually fairly comfortable. The six of us form a line and draw out our weapons. I sheathe my sword and grab Gungnir off my back, planting the base near my feet with the pointy end out in front of my face. Ulric pulls Hellstorm out and swings it at his side like a club as he shifts his weight back and forth from one foot to the other. Gabriella squints one eye and focuses the other down the sights of her crossbow. Ulric’s other men grab their spears and swords and what-have-you and we all square off while breathing heavy and staring hard.

  In front of us is a mass of fur and flesh, snoring loud enough to feel it in my bones. When it realizes it has company, it shakes itself awake and stumbles to its feet. Then it turns around. Each of its pit bull-like heads is the size of a carriage. Once it’s gotten a good look at us, it sneezes and chortles and growls all at the same time. Then it rears back, snarls all three of its mouths, and charges straight toward us.

  We all scatter like bugs as it crashes into the wall behind us and I swear it shakes the entire volcano. Just as I’m realizing how thoroughly outmatched I am, Ulric crouches down and then leaps something like eight feet into the air, right toward the leftmost head while swinging Hellstorm down into its forehead. When it collides it sounds like a hammer hitting an anvil. The head jerks a bit but, as far as I can tell, the weapon doesn’t put a scratch on it.

  Spears and crossbow bolts bounce right off it as it rears back to charge us again. I run as fast as I can to the wall at the far end. I figure maybe I can just search around until I find this mystical thing we’re after and make off with it without having to kill this unkillable thing that guards it. Ulric and his minions are keeping it plenty distracted at the front, so I figure, why not? Is it honorable? No. Is it the only thing I can think of to do right now? Fuck yes.

  The sound of screams mingles with snarling and growling behind me. Two of Ulric’s henchmen are bitten in half while I scrape my hands along the wall, searching for something, anything. Ulric swings Hellstorm at the monster a couple more times but all it seems to be doing is pissing it off.

  There’s nothing in here. I’ve searched all over the place and I have no idea what this three-headed freak is guarding. Ulric is hopping from one wall to the other with Hellstorm, whacking the ever-living shit out of all three heads to no avail. All Cerberus does is take a chomp at him every time he does it. I don’t know what else to do at this point so I brace myself and hold Gungnir’s tip out in front of me. And then I charge at it like a lancer without a horse. It takes all of two seconds to realize how bad I fucked up. The monster’s tail whips to the side and sends me hurtling into the wall to my left. It feels like I might have even cracked a rib. I crumble to the floor with a groan and then lay there for a minute or so while I watch the show Ulric is putting on.

  I eventually get my nerve back and use Gungnir as a cane to prop myself up. Then I stare down the monster’s backside while Ulric wails away at its front. I’m clearly going to die in here so, whatever. No sense holding back now. I take a couple sharp breaths, hunch myself over with the spear pointed forward, and then charge at Cerberus’s hindquarters a second time. And this time, it actually works. The blade at the end of Gungnir plunges straight into the monster’s left ass cheek. Two of the heads yelp while the other one grunts and sneezes.

  I can’t help but laugh in astonishment. And man, oh man—is Cerberus ever pissed. It turns its leftmost head to look at me and then it just fucking growls. Drool is pooling on the ground beneath it and I can feel the heat from its breath all the way at its backside. I tug at Gungnir to pull it back out and realize, “…Oh shit,” the thing won’t move. It’s fucking stuck. The crossbar at the base of the tip was forced under Cerberus’s skin and now it’s catching and won’t come out. I pull and pull and the thing won’t even budge. “Shit. Fuck. HELP!!”

  Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  As soon as I realize how completely and utterly fucked I am, the monster starts turning in my direction so that the left head can end me. I keep ahold of Gungnir and race around to stay ahead of it as Gabriella drops her crossbow and runs up to join me. Now both of us are tugging at the spear while we run as fast as we can in a big circle with the left head chomping away at us. It’s like the monster is chasing its tail—except the tail is us. And all the while, Ulric is whacking away at the other two heads at the front while he races around to keep up with it. I’d laugh at how ridiculous it all looks if I wasn’t pretty sure I was about to die.

  I jump up and plant both feet onto Cerberus’s backside when the spinning gets too fast for me to keep up. Gabriella follows my lead and now both of us are off the ground with our boots pressed against the monster’s hind end while we pull on the spear like our lives depend on it. Because of course they do.

  It finally comes out when I twist and yank it up at an angle to slide the crossbar past the bone or whatever it was catching on. As soon as it’s loose, Gabriella and I tumble and roll along the ground. Then, just before the left head bites the life out of both of us, Ulric comes out from behind me and swings Hellstorm up at its jaw with both hands like he’s playing some unhinged croquet game in Hell. He must have changed directions to circle around it the other way just in time. Gabriella and I scramble to our feet while Ulric clobbers it a few more times to keep it at a distance. Then I shove Gungnir into the monster’s belly and the heads all howl. Up at its front, Ulric yells in between whacks, “Progress?”

  “Working on it!” The vampire-thing is doing a great job distracting the heads while I work, but as big as this thing is, these stab wounds might as well be pinpricks.

  I can’t get anywhere near its heads without getting bitten in half so I do the only semi-reasonable thing left I can think of. I hold the spear up over my shoulder with one hand, and then throw the fucker as hard as I can at Leftie. Turns out I’m a crack shot with this thing. It soars right into the monster’s neck. I must have even managed to hit its brainstem because the head immediately slumps to the ground when it lands.

  I belay my stunned victory laugh this time and keep right on working. But just when I’m about to grab the spear back out, I’m shoved up against the wall by its thrashing body. It knocks every bit of wind out of me. While I’m pinned up against the wall getting the structural integrity of my ribcage tested a second time, Gabriella takes a turn with Gungnir, yanking it out of the left head before running around to swing it at the one on the right. The monster’s learned what the spear can do and now it’s afraid of it. When it backs away to avoid her, it finally moves off me and I’m released from the wall.

  It takes a bit of teamwork to bring the right head down. Gabriella widens her stance and positions the spear so that the base is anchored against the wall with the tip facing the side of Cerberus’s right head. Then Ulric uses both hands to swing Hellstorm into its check on the other side, bashing it straight into the spear. The head instantly falls to the ground like the first one did.

  Only the center head is still breathing and now the monster is having trouble getting around. The two lifeless heads on either side are getting dragged along the ground as it backs away. Gabriella can’t get the spear out of the right head’s skull, so Ulric holsters Hellstorm and drags it out for her. Then he does the honors of taking out the final head, climbing on top of Cerberus’s back to stab Gungnir straight down through the base of its skull. Its whole body convulses and goes limp as he wrenches it around in its hindbrain like it’s an old-fashioned stick rudder.

  Looks like only the three of us survived. Gabriella is smiling and clapping as she walks around the monster, only a bit out of breath. “Well done, Valencian! You are just as we had hoped.”

  I limp forward with one arm cradling my ribcage as I dryheave at her, “Yeah…we just have one problem.” Ulric hops down as I take a breath and explain, “There’s nothing in here. I already searched the whole place. Whatever it is that it was supposed to be guarding, it’s gone.”

  Ulric points at Cerberus and then smiles that weird, fucked up smile of his. “It’s inside it.”

  Gabriella and I look at each other and then at the monster. “…You gotta be shitting me.”

  The next hour is an unpleasant one. All three of us take turns with Gungnir, sawing into Cerberus to root around for a bit before coming out, gasping for air. And holy hell, does this thing ever reek. I mean, the smell in here was already bad before we started cutting it apart but—my god. I see why Hades kicked this fucker out.

  Ulric is the one to find the thingy. Gabriella and I are taking a breather on a comfy pile of rubble when he pops his blood-soaked head out of Cerberus’s chest like some horrible jack-in-the-box, grinning like a weirdo with a rock in his hand. Not a glowing rock, mind you. Or even a colored rock. Just a regular-ass, gray fucking rock. “Uh, you sure that’s not just a gallstone or something, Ulric?”

  He drags himself out of the horror show as he informs me, “No, this is most definitely what we came here to find. I have no doubt. This is what the empress has been seeking. The object that will turn the tide of the war back in Fornia’s favor for good. We have found it.”

  Whatever, I don’t give a shit. Time to leave.

  Now I’m drenched in blood and gore for the second time in a week, climbing out of a volcano that’s about a million fucking degrees with two of the world’s worst companions to keep me company. Seriously, I’ve met doorstops with more personality than this Gabriella chick. And of course Ulric is just Ulric. He doesn’t talk much and when he does it’s usually just to muse about some cryptic, incomprehensible nonsense about the ‘shape of time’ or the ‘will of the peasantry.’ None of it makes a lick of sense.

  When we reach the top of the volcano and are about to step out into the daylight, I motion toward him and ask Gabriella, “Is he gonna be alright?” She gives me a nod while Ulric pulls a hood up over his head. Then he just keeps on walking.

  When we get back to the river, we have to make a decision about what to do with the two canoes now that there are only three of us left. After doing some quick mental calculations, we all decide that none of us want to be the one to paddle back solo so we abandon one of the canoes and all file into the other.

  After reaching our docked ship, there isn’t much conversation between me and Ulric the rest of the way back. I see him even less than I did on the way to the island. Me and Gabriella do a bit of bonding now that all the other henchpeople are dead and there’s no one else to talk to. She finally gives me a bit of her backstory and it turns out she and I are in the same boat with the whole not-having-parents situation. Along with being on the same, you know—actual boat. Apparently Ulric basically adopted her when her parents were killed in a raid. Which is weird since I’d swear they both look like they’re the exact same age but I’m not even going there with her because honestly I’m over it.

  When Fornia’s hills are visible on the horizon, she motions toward the shore with her head and says, “We are not far now. I’d say a man could even swim that distance. Wouldn’t you?”

  I take a deep breath of salty ocean air and shake my head. “The only way for me to see Piper again is to stay on this boat. That’s the deal we made.”

  Gabriella pushes her eyebrows together. “You would go back? Go back and be a slave for the rest of your life just for one day with this woman you love?” I nod and she gives me something like a smile. “That is very sweet. And also very stupid.”