I’ve been thinking of Bobby and his commendations and never telling me any of it, how he could keep secrets and what if anything that had to do with his disappearance. And how, what and why this something is happening to me.

  Pop up down pours all week, went through all the boxes in the spare room and finally went up to the attic which was supposed to be stuck. Every day now I record thoughts on anything that comes to me. One dream was me walking naked on the road that goes through the good woods slowly with a purpose getting more excited as it went on like I knew what was coming. I started a book I found in one of the boxes about drone warfare, not sure why except maybe to know what Bobby was doing. And with the stuff from this weeks drop, I made lentil stew.

  Okay, the rain has been pretty much steady with off and on and temperatures in the eighties so a warm shower. The dream got me thinking what the hell, why not! Nobodies around. That’s funny. No bodies are around. I need walks more than ever because there’s been a pile up of things that needs my full attention, and walking helps and why get clothes wet but I was nervous that it would be the one time someone would be on the road for something. As in, hey sailor, having a nice day, so I stuffed a light rain parka in a knap sack just in case. The other thing is the road ten miles down is closed because of a mud slide. Before that tho, I want to get into something that’s slowly been surfacing that’s always been there but never thought of too much or as just a cool thing.

  My mothers mother was a full blown Cherokee, a descendent of a powerful Wolf clan, who married a white man and had my momma so there’s a lot of those genes in there, a big percentage that sometimes expresses themselves, like me loving the woods from the time I stared out of my little prison at all the trees surrounding the old farm. Once they let me start crawling around, I headed straight for those trees. Anyway, I'm feeling that more and more in the way I interact with nature. I feel sometimes like she is my true mother, source of food, light, oxygen, intelligence. That’s how I felt when I headed for the road which was built on top of an old Cherokee path, another thing I loved about this old place. By the time I left the dirt driveway, I’d cast that knapsack aside and began moving with a new step, I kept my panties on but have since left those behind as well. I wasn’t sure who I was, Jenna, channeling my ancestors or this new emerging me or all three.

  What it felt from my human was like OMG! How weird and wonderful and OMG, what the fuck took me so long! At first like a shower with exercise, looking behind me as much as I looked forward but after a while I relaxed and took long strides, swinging my arms like Bobbys kisser. Birds were singing in the rain. That was sweet! But mostly it felt like I lost some of me to my surroundings.

  *recording, channeling something

  ‘sensually attuned to the taste of warm rain on my skin, my hands slowly exploring my upper body feeling the strength, the sound of me through a forest of trees with all of their leaves, onto the forest floor, seeping into underground aquifers, blown by a slight wind, onto things, me and gaining a depth of field able to tell the difference in locations of sounds along with the heady fecund scents released from thousands of living breathing beings and dead, rooted in their age old fertile sanctuary, rotting on the forest floor, drenched with earths life offering. Like a self-sustaining greenhouse without a steward, although now, we are being called in, we are the stewards, we are turning towards what was lost, yes bobby, I understand, am now lost in this, naked, in love, waiting we, are now the first people with this profound gift and legacy, with this second chance of a sacred dowry which needs millions of us healing…oh Bobby, we could do this together… why didn’t you tell me what was going on....not because maybe you thought you could hurt me but had something to do with the military, maybe if that chick worked for the military and told you something, is the house bugged Bobby, does Fubar have an implant, did you know freddie, is that slightly anomie thing I watched on tv, important since my heart responded to that as if it were a critical clue only for me, my eyes and how weird is that… those lucid recollections have been there all the time, what changed for them to finally surface, will I start getting my lineage relatives memories now, like you did. Will I ever get the telepathic app, Bobby? Will someone ever read this like I’m reading yours, to see how their own changes compare like I’m doing with yours…who am I writing this for Bobby, you, me, a human?’

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  The trap door to the attic came open without a crowbar. And guess what! Bobby had been up there because there was a chair facing the little window looking out the back at the barn and dead woods with a little pile of his writing. He told me it was stuck. Lot of old furniture and lamps and junk.

  This is when I think I woke up during a fierce cold blast because of the rattling windows and he wasn’t there. He knew I wouldn’t try to go up there. My name was on this one.

  ‘Every day I need to be outside. Being inside feels strange like I’m a caged animal, almost lusting for a taste of green, the voices of my kindred, a pattern that weaves through time, older than any single species. It’s a collective mesh of thousands of the subtle and boisterous, being, yet wounded. The smoke covers everything, sometimes with months without being washed off. It all knows, understands in some way, slow death. Thinking it and knowing it in every cell of your body are as different than picturing eating something and eating it. And yet this miracle has been waiting for millennium, all that time, cushioned in protective sheathing waiting for the chemical dance to begin.’

  ‘I desire both from my human and hybrid form that Jen should share with me in this and have suggested that this location could be a perfect spot for a Node and of course they are aware, the reason for the contact but things are on pause until the issue is cleared up.’

  ‘How Blessed the first contact. The qualifications for a first contact I have learned are based on readings done years before the selection and unknown to the human. Having great empathy goes a long way but the rest is specific to organically hardwired realities and a skill. At first, because it was an accident, those participating had no idea about how ones heritage makes a difference on outcome. It had been one of the first, scrapped, retrofitted with a fix, not perfect.’

  Just to be clear, this writing does not seem like it came from Bobby. But of course, I didn’t know he was such a tech military genius either so as I read all he wrote, I ended up wondering just who he was and why me when he could have found someone smarter. I mean, we lived together for three years, and I didn’t see any of this in him. He was just beautiful, simple, plain old Bobby that I loved. We dreamed of a farm even while things went to shit, bought the old place and fixed it up while loving each other as if there weren’t going to be a tomorrow on our tiny outpost in the mountains to weather out and perish in Earths Armageddon. I just don’t get it unless he got tired of faking it and left but I can’t believe that! Unless I’m not getting something, none of this makes any sense.

  Fubar wants to eat all the time and now he’s my shadow, staying close even during walks. At first he wouldn’t go towards the good woods but finally broke down and stayed at my heels. His ears picked up when he hears something and once in a while freezes, looking into the right part as I’m walking away from the farm. I’m glad he feels safe around me and I don’t feel as alone any more with him.

  

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