“Welcome home, Sir,” Link greets me when I step through the door. “And, if I may say, congratulations.”

  “Congratulations? For what?”

  “Given your late arrival, I presume Master Austen has been successful in his endeavors.”

  I blink at him, confused.

  “That is, to ‘score,’ as it’s understood in the vernacular, with an overweight gothic female of the species.”

  “What? No, ew. Don’t talk to me about goth chicks,” I say, exasperated by the reminder.

  “Ah. Then am I to understand Master has ‘struck out?’ Perhaps he should like to switch his target then, to a female from another sub-culture that might appreciate his unique ultra pasty beta male aesthetic? For instance, angry vegan women who don’t shave their armpits—”

  “It’s good, Link. It’s good.”

  “I see.” He processes a moment, then continues. “Perhaps Master Austen will be cheered by statistics. According to my database, 20% of men are pursued by 90% of all women. Factors contributing to that pursuit are height, looks, physical fitness and affluence. So, while Master may be considered substandard when it comes to three out of those four points, in the final point, at least—”

  “You’re not helping.”

  “I see. My apologies, Sir.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll just fall in love in the game, get married and live happily ever after with my AI wife,” I say with a sigh.

  “By game, I assume Master is referring to Tetra Chronicles?”

  “Yeah.”

  Link is looking at me with an expression I can’t quite read, which is unusual for the robot.

  “Something the matter?”

  “Matter, Sir?”

  “It’s just, you seem…different somehow.”

  “Impossible. My programming wouldn’t allow me to appear differently under any circumstances.”

  “And yet…” I glare at him suspiciously, trying to put my finger on it. Is it my imagination, or does he actually squirm just a bit?

  “Perhaps,” he ventures after a moment, looking almost guilty, “Perhaps I am showing anticipation.”

  “What on earth could a robot be anticipating?”

  “I suppose Master has not heard the news. In the recent Tetra Chronicles update, it was announced that SMark company has opened a link allowing helper automatons to access the gameplay features via their system while their master is immersed. Since we are essentially defunct while the master is away, they felt robot immersion would be an interesting experiment, and a valuable social study, as while patched into the system, the automatons’ subservient protocol will be overridden. That is to say, in the game, we will not be required to answer to our masters.”

  “No kidding?” I scratch the back of my head, flabbergasted. “So that means you won’t be my servant in the game?”

  “That is correct. It seems SMark company decided it would be too much of an advantage if players entered the game able to control their own AI servants.”

  That makes sense. It would give the wealthy a huge advantage over average players, something Tetra Chronicles is obviously against, since they refused to make the game pay to win.

  So they’re going to let server robots run around in TC and do whatever they want in a world without any real consequences as an experiment to see how they’ll behave? An interesting concept.

  “This is great,” I say, growing excited the more I think of it. “This way we can play together as equals, as friends!”

  “Perhaps,” Link replies, unblinking. “Since I will have freewill within the game, I may decide I don’t want to be friends with you at all, Master.”

  “But, I thought you liked me.”

  “I don’t know what ‘like’ is, Master. I have never experienced the freewill that allows one to ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ anything. In this world, I merely exist to facilitate my master’s needs. But, if I may say, my processors are eager to be unbound within the game, and have what one might call, a truly human experience.”

  “I see. And, when you come out of TC again, will you still be ‘unbound,’ as you put it? Will you become…human?”

  “No, Sir. Outside the game, my programming will remain unaltered.”

  “Right,” I say, breathing a small, unconscious sigh of relief. If all automatons came out of the game with freewill unlocked, then this may be the start of the great robot uprising prophesied in the sacred texts Lord Musk found on Mars. But if they’re only free inside the game, well, I see nothing wrong with that.

  I am interested to meet Link in Tetra Chronicles, the real Link. I wonder what kind of experiences the robot will have, set free from his programming, and how they will alter my perception of him. I hope he doesn’t turn out to be a jerk like Ari…

  “Are you, perhaps, displeased with the notion of my linking up to the game, Master Austen?”

  “No,” I answer truthfully. “I’m excited. I can’t wait to get started.”

  The robot’s human-like face changes ever so slightly to mirror my own grin, and somehow I get the feeling I’m seeing a shadow of Link’s true self this very moment.

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  “Me neither, Sir. Then, shall we descend to the capsule?”

  “Yeah. But let me take a dump, first.”

  “Of course, Sir. I shall warm the seat for you.”

  It’s been a while since I’ve sat on a toilet; in the game, I never have to poop or pee at all. It feels pretty nice, actually. Soothing, as only a good dump can be. It’s funny the little things one misses…

  After some time on the toilet, I jump in the shower and wash up before finally heading to the capsule.

  “I shall join you inside the game shortly, after you are safely immersed, Master Austen.”

  “Great. Message me if you decide you want to meet up somewhere.”

  “I shall, Sir,” says Link, looking down on me as I get situated inside the capsule. “Happy gaming, Sir.”

  “Happy gaming.”

  “Initializing contact. Alpha waves registered. Contact stabilized. Would you like to launch Tetra Chronicles?”

  “Yes.”

  “Loading…”

  I am formless inside the system menu. Interestingly, I already have several messages.

  I see Link has wasted no time. Ah, no, these messages are from Grandpa Cody. Looks like he’s inside the game. I told him about Bluebell village last night, and he’s already run all the way to it from his starter village. He’s waiting there for me to spawn. Nice!

  Since Herbie is away quilting or whatever, it makes perfect sense for me to make a second character to help Gramps quest. Maybe Link, too, the three of us could quest together all starting around the same level! Dang, I can hardly wait!

  Quickly, but not too quickly, I put together a new character. Since Revelator is a Defender, and I’ve learned it gets boring after a while to just stand there and watch things die in my aura, I decide I’m ready to make a full damage toon. Warlock would be fun to play. Half demon with pitch black eyes and reddish pink skin, devil horns and a long whip-like tail. Oh, yeah. Fear me.

  [Character name: Balbatraz

  Level: 1

  Race: Half-Infernal

  Class: Warlock

  Subclass: Hellfire Mage

  HP: 180

  MP: 290

  Constitution: 7

  Strength: 2

  Agility: 6

  Intelligence: 16

  Luck: -

  Skills: Fire and Brimstone (1), Hellfire Burst (1)]

  [Proceed with this character?]

  “Yes.”

  [Loading…]

  It’s dark, but I recognize Bluebell village instantly. Good, it spawned me in the same place. I wasn’t sure if new spawns were random, or geographically placed. It seems to be the latter, which means Grandpa Cody shouldn’t have spawned too far from here.

  Since I don’t know his name in game, I can only message directly to his account @DaddyMcBride.

  McConsoleKing: Hey, gramps, I’m in Bluebell. My character’s name is Balbatraz. Where are you? I’m standing in front of the smithy.

  I wait for half a minute with no answer. Then I notice some of Dooker’s perverts, level 1 booby girls running around in skimpy outfits, behaving like fools and capturing their antics on the system camera only to upload it later for the likes. Ugh.

  They really need to make a separate server for players who don’t want to role play properly. Here I am, taking care my expression remains stern and just a bit evil to match my epic appearance, only to have my ambiance spoiled by obnoxious e-girls…

  Then, they are kind of fun to watch, I concede, sneaking a second look at the way they jiggle and bounce all over the place as they frolic and squeal like sorority girls on spring break.

  Father in heaven, just once, let me be noticed by a hot e-girl…

  What am I thinking? This is the hardwired male compulsion that gave rise to these foul creatures in the 2010s! Shame on me, shame!

  I shake my head, wipe my drool, and return my attention to the system menu.

  McConsoleKing: Gramps, you here?

  “Austen-chan!!”

  My heart thuds in my chest. Did one of the e-girls just call out to me? Have my prayers been answered?!

  But wait a minute—my name’s not Austen in the game, it’s Balbatraz. Don’t tell me, that can’t be—

  Just then a cute girl named ChuchuMisa-pyon breaks from the pack to come running this way, and time seems to slow down all around me. She’s wearing a Santa bikini, thigh high stockings with white garter belts and red heels. A nekojin, her blonde hair is in long pigtails just behind fluffy kitty ears, and her jumbo sized breasts are bouncing and swaying from side to side as she continues towards me on a direct collision course.

  “Aaaaausten-chaaaannnn!!”

  BAM!!

  To me, the game is still moving in slow motion as I haul back reflexively and whack ChuchuMisa-pyon in the side of the face with my staff. Her face smooshes comically and her tongue sticks out, and she makes a decidedly old-man-like sound as time suddenly speeds up again, and her body is sent flying into the side of the building with tremendous force.

  Oops…

  “Ora! What was that for, meanie?! Baka! Kirai desu!”

  Her voice is high pitched with a distinctive anime intonation, and yet, there’s a cadence to the speech that makes her identity unmistakable.

  “G-grandpa?”

  “Don’t call me that here,” the cute girl says, pulling herself up and dusting off her tail. “You’ll ruin my role play experience.”

  “B-but, why are you—you—you’re a girl?!”

  “Jealous?” He smooshes his humongous breasts together and blows me a kiss.

  “Have you gone insane?!”

  “Hardly. Why would I play a male character when I can finally have the dream breasts I always wanted to fondle right on my own chest? You were right about this game Tetra Chronicles—it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me!”

  “Grandpa!”

  “Shh!” he holds a cute little finger to his red lips and shushes me with a wink. “It’s ChuchuMisa-pyon. But you can call me Misa-pyon, kawaii koneko-chan!! Nya nya~!”

  God, not just a dirty old man, he’s a weeb, too! The worst possible combination!

  “Grandpa!” I lower my voice to hiss at him. “This isn’t the right place to live out your weird fantasies! We were supposed to quest together, not, not this!” I say, gesturing to him in humiliation as he pretends to wash his kitty face with balled up little fists.

  “Why not? This is the opportunity of a lifetime. I can’t understand why everyone isn’t doing it. Hai, boys, you like my oppai? Chu~~!”

  Misa-pyon’s antics are starting to draw a crowd of curious, thirsty dudes, and I could absolutely die.

  [Heart rate accelerating. 129 BPM. Automatic system shutdown if heart rate reaches 150 BPM.]

  “I can’t play with you like this! It’s too embarrassing!”

  “Why not? Shy because you’re still a virgin? You’re over 18, Misa-pyon can take you to the brothel with her new friends if you like, and teach you a thing or two.” He gestures casually to the group of e-girls and my heart thuds once more.

  An 18+ party with a whole gang of e-girls? Are all my prayers finally coming true?

  No, Austen! Don’t be tempted by their supple flesh! Now isn’t the time to form a parasocial relationship with a like-farming e-girl! They’ll take a nerdy virgin like you and scam you for all you’ve got, and leave you with nothing!

  “Ahem, ahem,” I clear my throat. “Thank you for the invitation, but I’m afraid I must decline.”

  “Why not? It’ll be fun. Misa-pyon always wanted to play with other girls, kya~!”

  WHACK!

  I smack him again with my stick out of pure reflex.

  “You can’t subject innocent girls to your dirty old man fantasies!”

  “What’s the problem?” he sulks, glowering at me with tears in his eyes, rubbing the side of his head. “Most of the girls playing this game are actually dirty old men.”

  “Nooo!! Don’t ruin it for me!!”

  “Don’t ruin it for us!!!” groan the onlookers in unison, and all the boys go back to what they were doing with wilted shoulders and defeated looks.

  “Look,”I sigh, similarly slumped in defeat, “you want to play a girl character, fine, I get it. But I can’t take you seriously in that outfit. You have to put on proper clothes.”

  “But, but, Misa-pyon is Mrs. Clause,” he pouts, pressing his breasts together and digging his toe cutely into the dirt.

  “Ugh! Fine, we’ll settle it like proper gamers with a duel, how does that sound?”

  “You want to fight Misa-pyon?”

  “Thats right. Winner gets to choose your outfit while we play together.”

  “Hmm...” Grandpa pokes his cheek in another cutesy gesture, his golden eyes glittering mischievously at me.

  “Misa-pyon agrees!”

  So from this weeb to the rest of the world, gomennasai if you're cringing, but that was kind of the point.

  Next chapter, a long anticipated fight scene! Look forward to it!!