So I got a little worked up, and challenged Misa-pyon to a duel. I may have been a bit hasty…
I forgot I’m not in Revelator’s body. Right now I am Balbatraz, a level 1 toon I don’t know the first thing about. I’ve never used a spellcaster before, I don’t know how to use these skills or this staff—I’m like a newborn baby without even a single piece of gear!
Calm down. I might be a noob warlock, but Gramps is a noob to TC in general. He’s only been in the game a few hours, and all he did in that time was run from one starter village to another, and then frolic around with some e-girls. He can’t know anything about fighting in an immersive game.
Right. I’ve got nothing to worry about.
“We doing this or not?” Misa-pyon asks in her girly anime voice. “Ikeeee!”
“I’m trying to find the duel request button, hold your horses…”
Grandpa won’t know how to initiate the duel, so I’ll take this time to stall and figure out how to play this character before sending the duel request.
Start with the staff.
[Neophyte’s staff level 1, a simple magician’s staff.
Damage 5-9 (adjusted 7-12)]
A simple martial weapon; I won’t do any damage with this. The warlock’s main damage will come from spells. Let’s check those out.
[Fire and Brimstone level 1: The bitterness of hell rains down on your foes.
10 ft radius from cast point
Damage 15 HP/second
Duration: 5 seconds
Cost: 25 MP]
[Hellfire Burst level 1: A bolt of hell’s fire launched from your staff.
Range 60 ft
Damage 5-9 (adjusted 21-33)
Cost: 8 MP]
Looks like the burst is going to be my main source of damage. But it may be hard to aim. If Gramps is moving around too much, an area of effect spell will be the better choice.
It’s hard to know what his fighting style will be. What class is Misa-pyon, anyway? I can’t tell from the Santa bikini. Is she a spellcaster, wearing so little armor? Maybe a rogue? I should check her character profile.
[ChuchuMisa-pyon has sent you a duel request. Would you like to accept?]
“Austen-chaaaan…”
Crap! He figured it out! Gotta give the old millennial more credit, he hasn’t been a gamer all his life for nothing. Guess I can’t put this off any longer.
[Accept]
“Gambatte, Austen-chan,” Misa-pyon smirks and I gulp. Suddenly, I’ve got a bad feeling about this. What have I gotten myself into?
Just then, she reaches into an invisible pouch and pulls out an enormous great axe even taller than she is, slamming the end into the ground with earth shaking impact.
WHERE THE HECK DID SHE GET THAT?!?!!
[Countdown to duel:]
[5]
[4]
While the numbers flash across my system, I get maybe half a second to glance at her profile.
[Class: Barbarian
Subclass: Titanbreaker]
Titanbreaker? That can’t be good!
[1]
“Charging attack-u!”
I don’t get even a second to react.
Enveloped suddenly by a bloody aura, she rushes me at an impossible-to-track speed. A barbarian charge attack skill!
In an instant, her axe chops into my chest.
[-77 HP]
GA-HUUUUUHGH!!!
With a single strike, she’s cut down over 40% of my health! And I forgot to turn down the pain simulation, so that means I feel about 30% of the pain that comes with certain death.
But this is a game, and characters don’t die from a cleave attack to the rib cage from a clown size axe. I can’t even see my organs. Guess that means the fight goes on.
The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
Misa-pyon jumps back after her first strike. I’m guessing she went into some kind of barbarian rage, lowering her defense for maximum attack. Warlock spells are no joke, I need to take advantage of her vulnerable state while I can!
“Hellfire burst!”
I launch a ball of magic flame from the end of my staff. It flies fast, biting her in the shoulder, taking down just a small fraction of her health. Need to do more damage!
“Hellfire burst, rapid fire!”
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
She is strafing, running this way and that, taking less than half of my hits.
Dang it, she’s too fast! It’s impossible to aim. In that case—
“Fire and Brimstone!” My area of attack spell takes one and a half seconds to cast, but I drop it in her general area, catching her up in hailstorm of godlike wrath.
“Kya~!” Misa-pyon cries when the fiery balls rain down on her.
“Kya!” I cry, also caught up in the area of effect spell. This wasn’t supposed to hit me, too!
Run away! I hear footsteps following close behind me and glance over my shoulder. Dang it, she’s right on my tail! I stumble in my panic and she gets in a hit to my back as she flies by.
[-46 HP]
Rookie numbers! If I were playing my other character, I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. But in this character, I’m down to about 30% HP with just two hits! What the heck? How is Misa-pyon a level 1 character?! This isn’t fair!!!
Now she’s circle strafing around me. Desperately I fire off burst after burst, missing with almost all of them.
She spins on her toe then with a cry of, “Whirling slash!,” sending off an area of effect whirlwind attack that slices me with blades of air.
[-15 HP]
“Another skill?” I cry in exasperation. “How many do you have?”
[-20 HP]
[HP critically low!]
Get out of it! I jump out of range of the whirlwind. I’m down to just a sliver of health, but I’m not out of the game yet. But what’s this? Why isn’t Misa-pyon chasing me? She’s just standing there, looking at me smugly.
As though hearing my unspoken question, she replies with a wink. “Omae wa mou shindeiru.”
“NANI?!!”
[-8 HP, bleeding]
[-8 HP, bleeding]
There’s a bleeding skill, too?! Quick, potion! Potion!
[-8 HP, bleeding]
Ah. Too late.
[LOSER]
My character falls to his back as the screen momentarily goes hazy with blood. But this is just a PVP duel, so I don’t actually die. I just have to lie there for a minute in defeat and abject humiliation.
“Flesh Ripper has a 25% chance to activate whenever I use an attack skill,” Misa-pyon says as she saunters over with the great axe slung casually over her shoulder. She reaches a hand down to help me up. I have no shame left, I think as I accept the hand of sexy kitty Mrs. Clause and she hauls me up.
“What the hell, Gramps? You’re supposed to be a noob! Where did you learn to play like that?”
“I’ve been playing PVP arenas in WOW for fifty years,” he replies with a chuckle, so obviously pleased with himself he forgets his cutesy girl act. “I’ve always wanted to try something like this. Actually getting to try out my techniques in a real immersion game is like a dream come true to an old gamer like me.”
“You’re taking to TC like a fish to water,” I say, genuinely impressed. I pull up his character menu for a closer look.
[Character name: ChuchuMisa-Pyon
Level: 1
Race: Nekojin
Class: Barbarian
Subclass: Titanbreaker
HP: 230
Constitution: 7
Strength: 18
Agility: 7
Intelligence: 2
Luck: -
Skills: Charging Attack (1), Flesh Ripper (1), Rage (1), Whirling Slash (1)]
Wow. 18 points in strength. I didn’t know it got higher than 16 points in anything for a level 1 character. It must come from his subclass, Titanbreaker. Knowing Gramps, I wouldn’t be surprised if he instinctually made the strongest possible starting character in the entire game. Well, almost. He probably would have been just a bit stronger if he’d taken another race, but I expect he really wanted cat ears…
“Impressive. But how did you get all those skills? I thought ordinary players had only two skills unlocked at level 1.”
“I bought the best skills I could find from the vendor.”
“Bought them? But you haven’t done a single quest! How did you afford it?”
“On the run to Tenderfoot Slough from Greenhorn Pastures I found a sugar daddy.”
Of course he did.
“I only flirted with him a little as a joke, cuz it’s funny as hell to see their reactions. I guess he liked my look or something, he gave me 5 gold.”
“FIVE GOLD??? That’s like five million dollars in the starter area!”
“Eh heh heh…”
Guess that settles it. Gramps doesn’t need my help navigating the map or the game system, and he obviously doesn’t need me to teach him how to use his character. Misa-pyon will be totally fine questing by herself which is just as well, since I don’t think I can stand looking at her in her Santa bikini, smooshing her boobs and blowing kisses at boys even a second longer.
“Welp, I’m glad you’re having fun. I’ll just…leave you to do your thing.”
“Right. I’ll have more fun questing if I don’t have you holding me back. No offense.”
No comment.
“Oh,” he says as I turn away, “didn’t you want me to join your guild or something?”
“Oh, yeah.”
I fumble around with the system menu a minute looking for the guild invite button before I remember this is my alternate character.
“Never mind. I’ll send you an invite later. Or you can look it up and apply if you want. We’re called The Whales.”
“The Whales, huh? Kinky.”
“What?”
Just then a group of influencer e-girls run by, squealing and bouncing all over the place. And just like that, Grandpa Cody’s motor is up and running.
“Well, it was nice seeing you, Son. I’m gonna go live my second youth. Don’t wait up for me, eh heh heh…”
And with that, he’s off, running with his boobs bouncing in his face and calling, “Ya-ho! Misa-pyon wants to play! Matte!”
Yeah, this is a bit too much for me. I think I’m just gonna delete this humiliating character and pretend this encounter never happened…
I’m just about to access my system menu and log out when I become aware of a man watching me from about ten feet away. It’s not my imagination, he really is looking straight at me, just staring as though waiting for something. What a weird guy. What’s his name?
KassInFlight. Is that a Zelda reference?
Ah. Could it be?
“Link?”
He’s made an undead character, with dark slate blue skin and a purplish undercut ponytail. Is that a greatsword on his back? He made a barbarian, too? Or is that just a fighter? Somehow, it’s the last thing I was expecting.
Link, or Kass, I guess, doesn’t say anything. Just stares at me unnervingly.
What could the server bot be thinking in this moment, as he faces me, his master, now for the first time without a single program binding him to my will? Are his processors short circuiting to meet me like this? Or is he perhaps plotting my murder this very moment? I probably don’t want to know…
After several uncomfortable seconds, I make the decision to turn deliberately.
I’ll give Link his space. This place must be like a kind of vacation for him. The last thing a guy wants to be reminded of while on vacation is the work waiting for him when he gets back. Besides, I think I…I don’t want to know him after all. It would be too painful, I think, to know his real self inside the game, only to see it locked away inside of him the moment we leave this place…
I lift my finger to the sign out button when I hear a strange voice behind me, one I do not recognize. And yet, I know it’s him.
“Your guild. What’s it called?”
“The Whales,” I answer without looking back.
“Understood.”
I don’t know if that means he intends to join me or not. Ultimately, the decision is up to him. But there is one thing…
“Hey Kass?”
A second passes before he answers.
“Yeah?”
“Have fun.”
