“New bounty day!” Yelled Zeke, “New bounty day! Damn, I love this. Haven’t had a new bounty in a while. Do you think it was after our fight with the Ducervi?”

  “They’re mercenariesss. The government wouldn’t care about how many of them we defeated,” Said Jasssper, “Kingdom bountiesss are determined by how much of a threat we are to the people of that kingdom”

  “Ah, these are Ulmund Bounties,” Said Kip, smiling, “Let’s have a gander. I’d love to know just how scared of the new dark lord they are.”

  “Right.” Jasspser said, “Interesting thing is that the people here are from the game of tag you two grown adults played a few weeks ago.”

  Kip cocked his head, “But… Those two died, right?”

  “Blademan, Akun, Mason, Wolfgang, Zeke, Me… and you too, Kip. This is definitely basssed off of that game. Maybe there wasss a third party.”

  Zeke attempted to poke his head into the door but couldn’t make it through, with one wandering eyeball looking through the door he asked, “My old bounty was 20k. What’s it say now?”

  Zeke the Freak

  Bounty: 30,000 crown

  Dead or Alive

  “No way!” Said Zeke, “That’s a huge upgrade! Damn, I’m so friggin proud of myself. If mama were here she’d say… ‘Why the heck do you even have a bounty?!’ But I'd tell her: ‘all the cool kids have bounties, ma.’”

  “Jasssper, is this your first bounty?” Kip asked.

  Unknown Snake With Hat On

  Bounty: 1000 crown

  Dead Or Alive

  Jasssper blushed, “Unknown Snake Wiith Hat On. How mysssterious. I suppose I could change my hat but then people wouldn’t know I was a celebrity.”

  “A one thousand crown increase is amazing!” Kip said, “Most of us don’t even get a monster bounty. Most of us are just brutally slaughtered. Tell me, what did I get?”

  Jasssper’s smile faded, “Uh, perhaps there’s been a misprint. I’ll contact Blingo at once.”

  “Well, come on. Is it too much? I am the new dark lord after all. Certainly there’s going to be a premium on my head. I understand that. I’m not scared. A little nervous but that’s about all.”

  “It’s… not that.” Jasssper said.

  Zeke reached into the room and pulled the paper.

  “That… is weird.” Was all he said.

  “What is it? You both are scaring me.”

  “Maybe we should verify…” Before Jasssper could finish, Kip leapt over Jasssper and grabbed the papers, tearing them from under Zeke’s finger. He pulled the paper and read it, his heart sunk.

  Dark Lord Kip

  Bounty: 100 crown.

  Dead Or Alive

  “Let’s… let’s talk to Blingo.”

  “No mistake. That’s what they say.” Blingo said as she walked followed a goose with Dic on her shoulder, “Excuse me, sir. Can you comment on the fact that you are the enchanted goose who owes people money?”

  “Quack.”

  “Sir, that’s not an authentic quack. You just said, ‘Quack.’”

  Kip started again, “Blingo, surely there’s not-”

  “I’m trying to follow a story here.” Said Blingo, “That’s the bounty. You want to know my take on it?”

  “Absolutely.” Said Kip.

  “They don’t see you as a threat. They think you’re a pitiful leader and they believe it would be better for them and worse for Shangra if you were in charge. So they let you have a small bounty.”

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  “Well… did they read your article?”

  ‘No.” Blingo said, “The king of Ulmund did not read my article.”

  “Right.” Said Kip, “Well… They don’t see me as a threat, fine!”

  “We shall show them what a threat we are,” Hissed Jasssper.

  “No,” Said Kip, “I have a new idea. Blingo, fire up your printing presses.”

  .

  “Brilliant move, Sire!” said Jasssper, “Truly stunning!”

  Kip giggled at the thought, He looked at the picture he’d had printed. It was an unflattering drawing of the king’s face that Kip had had mounted on his office wall.

  He laughed along with Jasssper, “Hey, if he doesn’t see me as a threat, why should I do the same?”

  On the wall was the bounty that Kip had made. It was of the King and it read.

  Ulmun King Sesemi

  Bounty: 10 Lolipops

  “Got them!” cackled Jasssper as he covered his head with his tail and laughed hysterically.

  “Yes, I do believe we got them,” Said Kip, giggling as well.

  “New bounties are here!” said Blingo, “Though I’d deliver them myself. Seems your bounty has been updated, Kip.”

  “It has?” Kip asked, gleefully.

  “Yeah.” Said Blingo, take a look.

  Kip stared at it and huffed. He showed the paper, “Okay, this is just ridiculous. ‘Dark Lord Kip, Bounty: One handjob from the ugliest prostitute in the land (climax not included). Now, this is just insulting to me and the sex worker they choose.”

  “How should we get them back?” Jasssper asked.

  “Blingo… fire up the new printing press.”

  “Okay. but we gotta start charging you for the ink.”

  Kip and Jasssper both trepidatiously waited a week for the new bounties to reach the Ulmund empire. Kip had read the newest issue of the Dark Lord’s Digest. The articles were good. The goose was, in fact, not just a goose. Kip was happy for Blingo but when he thumbed the pages to the updated daysider bounties, he did not see his face. Kip found himself in the Underdark, near the Dark Lord’s Digest’s office when he decided to stop in.

  “No new bounty today?” Kip asked, “It’s been two weeks.”

  “Sorry, Lord,” Said Blingo, “Maybe your plan worked? Maybe they backed off.”

  “My plan?” Kip said, “I didn’t have a plan, as such. Sort of just… more escalation. I already had the new bounty ready. It was going to be a trip to the Moonsea.”

  Blingo shrugged, “Not sure what they’re thinking. Like I said, maybe you won.”

  The Ulmun King ate a big mutton chop in his throne room. His porcine appearance would have given Stormbristle a run for his money. The king grabbed some of the lingonberry jam and dripped it generously over the mutton, then took his mutton and dipped it in his glass of red wine. He took a big bite out of his mutton and reached for his goblet of wine. With dribbles of meat inside and a healthy film of fat, he gobbled it up and let out a big ‘Ahhh’ sound from his mouth, before reaching back in for the pork head.

  He ate until he was full and then ate far past that. He waved over his waifish servants and gestured to the head of the pig, “Another. The eyes are my favorite.”

  “Shall we… pack up the pork head?”

  “Don’t bother. It’s cold now. Throw it away. Just bring me another.” He said it, half normal, half with his mouth full as he had made his way to the salted potatoes. He grabbed them with his hand and mashed them a little before eating them.

  “Your highness,” Said a voice from behind him. He knew the squirrely voice of his messenger from anywhere.

  “Busy.”

  “This is quite important. The new monster bounties are here.”

  The king stopped his eating and let out a laugh that became a burp. He rubbed his mashed potato hands on the table cloth and stuck his hand out, “Gimmie.”

  The person, shakily, handed him the note. The king ripped it from their hands. He left food stains all over it as he took a gander.

  Ulmund King Sesemi

  Bounty: We will pay you 5000 Dub to protect the king’s life

  The king stuck his head back and laughed. He sucked the remaining fat from his thumb. During the short break from all the excessive eating, he heard something. It was… clamor. Clamoring outside of his door.

  “What is that?” Asked the king.

  “They’re outside, your highness. They all want a part of this deal.”

  “Who?”

  “The monsters.”

  Kip talked to Zeke in the throne room, “I really tried to talk to him, Zeke.”

  “Uh huh.”

  "He’s dead set on this battle. I’m so, so sorry. How did the challenge go?”

  “Rejected by the council. They said because he was a substitute it makes him suited for the job. It looks like this fight is inevitable.”

  “I can tell you everything I know about him. His ego is huge. I mean… that’s your best way in, is to lure him into believing he’s winning and just get the drop on him.”

  “Yeah.” Zeke said, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

  “You’ll be able to use your axe. This is taking place on the labyrinth,” Kip was trying very hard to reassure him, but he was focusing much more on his tone than on the content of his words, which was just an accurate recitation of the facts, “He’s made of blades. That’s something. He…”

  “Kip,” Zeke said.

  “Yeah, Zeke?”

  “Is this even something I want?” He asked, “Mob boss? Not sure… if I didn’t have that, where would I go?”

  “I could keep you around here for a while, but… for someone heavy like you…”

  “It’s the front lines. If I can’t make myself useful here… it’s the front lines, right?”

  “I don’t want that for you. I know you don’t.”

  Zeke raised his hand, “Yeah, no. I don’t… it’s just… damn, man. That guy’s been putting in the work. He’s been growing levels quickly and obviously hand to hand is out of the question because.. His hand can stab my hand.”

  “You can get out of this, Zeke. You just put the work into a battle plan like you did with me.”

  “I lost to you.” Said Zeke.

  “You’re not a bad fighter.”

  “I know. I’ll… figure it out.”

  “You have doubts. But I don’t. I’m rooting for you.”

  Zeke smiled, “Thanks. I just can’t get what that woman said out of my mind. The one Blademan stabbed with his head, I’m not even a floor lord. I’m a mob boss for the topside levels.”

  “I’m still just the head of traps. It’s just a title. Doesn’t say anything about your ability, and absolutely nothing about your potential.”

  “Sire!” Jasssper slithered in, “Sire! The new bounty is here! The mail is here!”

  “New bounty!?” Kip cried, “Tell me there’s a new bounty!”

  “No sire… no new bounty! But… something else!”

  “Unless it’s about the king I don’t…”

  “It’s a letter from the king!”

  “From?”

  Jasssper handed him the letter. Kip reached out and grabbed it and tore it open. He read it, his eyes widening.

  “What does it say, Sire?”

  “You’re right. It’s a letter from the king and… you’ll never believe this… it’s an invitation to dinner!”

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