[Friend, Project]
Of course Peter had arrived at Nicoles before me, he was in fact sitting on the front porch steps waiting for me to arrive.
“Jaq, is heaven really a scam?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is. But some people enjoy being scammed, or at the very least once they have been scammed they absolutely refuse to believe what the truth actually is. They’d rather believe that their beliefs are ‘right’ than to actually know what the truth is. This can cause big problems for instance in my world if a big company is making lots of money selling a product that hurts people. The big company can hire scientists that disagree with the consensus view of the majority of scientists. Then the common individual has to decide which side to take, if the person really likes the harmful product, it’ll be in his self interest to believe the fake conclusion.”
“So if I go there, what will happen?”
“I can only tell you about the last heaven, they may restructure it, they’ll have to make the workers think it’s in their best interest to return to work. If I was running the scam. I’d keep everything the same pointwise, make it almost impossible to actually ascend from worker to boss. But I’d institute a weekly lottery that only workers who are actually working have access to the lottery would have one huge prize winner awarding enough points that they’d only be a year or so away from ascending. Every worker would have a fifty fifty chance for a small number of points but not enough to actually help them out in the long run, but they’d win often enough to want to keep playing.”
“Jaq, that’s evil, no wonder you were sent to hell.”
“I wasn't sent here, I came here looking for my granddad.”
“Really, you came here voluntarily.”
“Sure, my granddad is missing, he spent time in heaven, forty nine years ago. I am hoping that I can pick up that trail here and then follow him unless he’s here right now. If he's here I just have to ask him to come home with us. That’s what I was doing all morning, I was showing his picture around to people I met on the street.”
“But you could be punished for that.”
“Yeah but punishment is just losing points, they’re not going to lock me in jail, or whip me or kill me. I don’t care about the points, once I find the information on granddad, I’m leaving.”
“So what should I do Jaq, when I get enough points to ascend, should I?”
“Before I answer that, Harry noticed that you have very few workers here compared to heaven. Why is that?”
“The workers here can’t accumulate points for heaven.”
“Why do they work at all then?”
“They get to live in the city, which is supposed to be nicer than here, also they have access to more varieties of groceries and the like.”
“Well my answer to you is, go ahead to heaven, but as soon as you get there do the math. Assume that the bosses are real jerks and will take away points on a whim. For instance my friend Harry, who you met was a driver. If he drove a boss, they could award him one point for driving them, they could also take three points away. They didn’t have to have a reason beyond that’s what they wanted to do. So if you take four separate bosses on four different rides and you have three nice bosses you might get three points, which your fourth not nice boss could take away entirely. So instead of gaining four points for four jobs you’ve done, you have zero points earned for four jobs done. And it could even get worse, let's say you pick up four mean bosses for four drives you could wind up minus twelve points for four jobs done. Harry averaged forty four points a year, we did the math, in twenty two thousand years he’d become a boss.”
“That’s horrible.”
“Yes it is, but if you have enough people who put up with horrible, that’s all they care about. The one good thing is if your points in heaven fall to zero they’ll send you back here. At least that is the way it was the last time. Assuming they haven’t changed that if you didn’t like heaven you could mess up on purpose and get sent back here and maybe try working here, maybe Hell’s city is the best deal out of the limited number of choices or there are multiple floors in the tower, you could look for an exit, but you’re taking a chance.”
“Let’s see that picture of your granddad.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep, they're only points.”
“Thanks Peter.”
I showed him, the picture, and he’d never seen him before. As luck would have it Cheryl was walking up to the steps as I put the picture back into my back pocket.
“What were you showing Peter, Jaq?”
“It’s a picture of my granddad, I was telling Peter how much I miss him.”
“Well, that’s forbidden, minus ten points each. Now give me that photo, I’ll make sure you don’t lose any more points.”
“No Cheryl, I’m afraid I can’t do that. It’s the last thing I have of him.”
“That’s another minus ten, you’re at minus twenty now. Give me the photo or it’ll be another minus ten.”
“Cheryl stop, take them from me you don’t want to send here to literal hell.”
“It’s Assembly person elect Peter, now stay out of this. Jaq, hand over the photo or now it’s minus twenty.”
I was pissed now this little dictator was not getting the photo.
“No! You racist piece of crap.”
“Minus forty. Hand it over or you are done, another minus ten and you’ll be in Literal Hell, do you understand. HELL. I’ll give you to the count of three, two, one. Last chance.”
“Screw you Cheryl.”
POP
***
I was floating in a black endless void. Damn, I should have meditated this morning. Damn ADHD, Damn Impulse Control. Damn Racist Cheryl. Damn Xenophobic Cheryl. I hope she rots in hell.
“Nobody told me I’d die of boredom in hell. Where’s the fire, where's the brimstone, what the hell is brimstone?”
“Groovy, you're feisty, I like that.”
“First off, what the hell is groovy?”
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
“Your Groovy babe.”
“I mean what’s groovy even mean? And don’t call me babe, that's sexist.”
“Groovy means, cool, chick I’d like to get down with, groovy. And you’re in literal hell so of course it’s sexist. Haven’t you heard, Trump canceled woke, when the antichrist cancels something Literal hell listens baby. We listen.”
“Wonderful I can’t even escape mention of that as……”
“Don’t say it baby, the antichrist hates to be criticized. I’m literally the nicest demon in hell, what do you say we’ll put on some bellbottoms, drop some acid and go watch the Ozzy tribute band.”
“I can't, I have to meditate, damn ADHD.”
“No you don’t, you’re cured.”
“Well I don’t feel cured”
“That’s anger, baby, but don’t worry Cheryl will get hers. I personally guarantee it, I’ll make sure she’s assigned the worst of the worst. What do you think of putting her in ICE jail and the only language she knows is dwarven, she speaks it, reads it and writes it. How’s that make you feel, baby.”
“Better thanks.”
“See we can be friends, I only have to torture you for four hours a day, the other twenty we can do what we like. So I’ll leave it up to you, do you want to do all four hours in a row, then we have the full twenty to do what we like or do you want to spread them out, one hour on five hours off.”
“Four hours at once, at the beginning of the day, so that I have twenty hours off.”
“Cool, cool, that’s the one I’d picked. Well let’s get it over with, and today will be prorated, half the day is done, so only half the torture. How can I most efficiently torture you, are you more scared of a feather or of a whip?”
“The whip.”
“Seeing as how this is Literal Hell, I have to assume that you are lying Jaq and the instrument of torture that you truly fear is the feather. Get undressed please.”
“What, no I’m not going to do that.”
“Come now Jaq, how the Literal Hell am I to torture you with a feather when you are fully dressed. Come on look at it from my point of view, I want to get this torturing over as quickly as possible so we can do fun stuff for the rest of the day. It’s not like I’m attracted to you, I like girls with big knockers, I’ll bet you couldn’t get yours to bounce on a trampoline.”
“Hey that’s not nice, I haven’t made fun of your tail with the arrow headed bulge on the end.”
“The straight girls love this tail Jaq, especially the bulge on the end, you’ll see I’ll take you clubbing tonight, we gotta get a new girl for you and that’s the place to find tail. Get it Jaq? Get it?”
“You remind me of a friend of mine? And I don’t need a girl I’ve got a girlfriend”
“Not anymore Jaq, she’ll move on soon, then we’ll switch from the physical torture to psychological torture, we’ll watch her awkward first date, first time she makes love to her new guy.”
“Well if I’m gone for ever, I want her to find someone to be with.”
“That’s good because he’s already living at the mansion.”
“Who’s living at the mansion?”
“Her lover to be, Arthur Farthing.”
“No that can’t be right, we can’t stand that pompous egomanic.”
“I know that happens quite a lot, survivors guilt, she feels so guilty that she’s lived and you died that she just wants to be used, and that Farthing guy is a real user. He does good ink though I like your tat. Now come on get naked, we have torturing to get over with before we can have some fun. Who do I remind you of?”
“What?”
“You said that I remind you of a friend of yours, when I said you have tiny knockers.”
“You never said that.”
“Well I implied it. Didn’t you get the joke about them not even bouncing on a trampoline, I thought you were smart, everything bounces on a trampoline, but your breasts are so small they don’t. Get it.”
“Very funny, I’d have thought that an immortal demon would have more sophisticated humor.”
“Okay, hello yes Jaq is here, you need to iron a dress, I understand, we'll send her right over, but she has to be back as soon as it’s ironed. Like that one one better”
“ No I like "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
“Good one Jaq, now strip and tell me who I remind you of?”
“Groucho, with all that sexist humor and innuendo."
“Well don’t worry, you’ll be seeing him soon, I think.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Nope, you’ll not distract me any further Jaq, strip.”
“Tell me please, did something happen to Groucho?”
“Strip and maybe I’ll tell you.”
“Alright, satisfied? Now tell me.”
“You have quite a nice bum, for a skinny girl.”
“I’m going to strangle you demon, what’s happened to Groucho?”
“Well he’s walking into a trap, now stand still so I can tickle you, or I’ll strap you to the rack and that’s not as much fun as you think it is.”
“What do you mean he’s walking into a trap, is that big goon back, is he going to hurt Groucho.” I started laughing. “Stop that tickling and answer the question.”
“No, that little baby is in the hospital, two dislocated shoulders. Tickle monster incoming!”
“Stop it, tell me what trap?”
“The trap you sent him into, silly, come on I’m tickling you why aren’t you laughing?”
“STOP, I’m not laughing because I’m worried about my friend.”
“Oh, fine, I guess you won’t play until you hear the whole story. You sent him into the swamp to scout around. Well there is a big scary monster in there and his sense of smell won’t function in there because the swamp smells so bad it masks all the other odors. So he is going to walk right into its trap.”
